You just can't make this stuff up.

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How do you tell a communist? Well, it’s someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It’s someone who understands Marx and Lenin.

These entries are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, recorded and published by court reporters that experienced the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

~Steve~                         And a Big   H/T   Grouchy       

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0 responses to “You just can't make this stuff up.

  1. Thank you – haven’t had a good belly laugh for ages! The last one is my favorite 🙂

  2. ROFL laughing and crying at the same time! Hilarious!

  3. It’s fun to mess with attorneys hehe…

  4. Now, that beats all the lawyer jokes out there… 🙂

  5. I would be laughing if it weren’t the real truth! These are the very lawyers that are running our country and making more and more STUPID LAWS! These are the very MORONS that figure out ways to steal your rights, property, wealth and way of life. They are on the TV durning the news and most ALL DAY, trying to get everybody to sue everybody, and the ONLY winners are the LYING LAWYER leeches! We have 845,000, YET we have 1,435,000 lawyers and the people wonder why we are running out of doctors, the leeches are putting them out of business. They don’t have to work, they Can’t be sued, the judges won’t convict lawyers, it is better than having a government job, because they have a license to STEAL. The innocent has to prove that they are innocent, while a crook is provided with a lawyer free of charge. In other words, We pay a crooks lawyer to sue us, and we have to pay BOTH BILLS! Beautify America deport the lawyers. They even defend the INVADERS that come here and steal from our citizens and we pay that lawyer to! Wake up America! And the WORST part is Every Lawyer we elect to a government position it costs the citizens Billions, if you think I’m kidding, all you have to do is look at Bama’s (a lawyer) streak of spending, you don’t have to go any farther than that! Semper Fi.

    • You’ll be happy to know, the “education bubble” is bursting first for Law schools… skyrocketing student tuition/debt, plus the glut of lawyers out there is making enrollments drop, with program cutbacks following. Colleges out there are beginning to actively discourage people from going to Law school.

    • Right on Vic! I always like your replies. You’re a smart guy and feel much the same as I do!!! I’m former ARMY myself and I see your Patriotism.

  6. Thank you so much for that. I’ve been down with a cold and I needed a good laugh. Those are keepers.

  7. You’re right… How the heck did I get that? It should be like a dove or something.

  8. Oh Dear Lord….Save us from MORONS!!!!

  9. ROFL!! thanks Grouchy and Steve!!!:)


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