Things you'll never hear Southern boys say

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A redneck map of the USA

Things You’ll Never Hear Southern Boys Say

  1. Pass me the tofu.
  2. When I retire, I’m movin’ north.
  3. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
  4. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
  5. Duct tape won’t fix that.
  6. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken
  7. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
  8. You can’t feed that to the dog.
  9. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
  10. Wrestling is fake.
  11. We’re vegetarians.
  12. Do you think my gut is too big?
  13. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy..
  14. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
  15. Who gives a darn who won the Civil War?
  16. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  17. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
  18. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart.
  19. Trim the fat off that steak.
  20. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  21. The tires on that truck are too big.
  22. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.
  23. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
  24. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
  25. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
  26. Checkmate
  27. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
  28. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
  29. I don’t have a favorite college team.
  30. You Guys.
  31. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
    1. I’m driving a whole busload of us down to re-elect OBAMA.
    Hey, I like tofu!!! LOL
    Three cheers for our Southern boys!
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0 responses to “Things you'll never hear Southern boys say

  1. I was trying to find a pic to accompany your very funny list. I first searched for “southerner” but found very little; then I searched for “redneck”…and voila!
    I’m glad you didn’t get offended but think the map to be funny. 🙂

    • Hardnox, moxie, hrmfc:
      I disagree with the KKK as well. Then, a flash of insight: I don’t have to put up with it!
      So I made a change, deleted the original map, and replaced it with the slightly different version. Scroll up to see map in my post.
      Hope you all like it! 😀

    • Hate to break it to y’all, but the Klan is alive and well in many places down here. There is quite a large group near us in North Georgia as well as some in these NC mountains.

    • We have a very active group here in Sharpsburg MD, site of the battle of Antietam or, as the WINNING side says, The Battle of Sharpsburg!

      • Hey to you Christine…I finished growing up in neighboring Hagerstown MD…(been stranded on the left coast now for an age…). Don’t you think we were stuck between North and South cultures way back when….( remember the historical “border states?”) and we still are, today? I spent early childhood in PA, growing up years in MD, and college and raising kids in VA…… mid’Atlantic can still be so confusing today. OTOH…..Dr. E’s map is about accurate…with Maryland still in contention…not much change in nearly 240 years. 🙂

  2. …chess can be a lot of fun if you use long-necks for pawns (7)
    but ‘crown me’ does sound a bit better 🙂

  3. Hahaha thanks for the morning laugh but I don’t quite fit in with the KKK…and I do think wrestling’s fake! 🙂

  4. I disagree with the KKK alot but I think the rest is very funny.

  5. Thank you! Don’t tread on me is perfect! Hmmmm. I’ve only been in the “south” a few years but I have a few relatives who were raised here. Sweet tea, guns, deer, dogs, Walmart, and duct tape fit in our conversations just fine. Pepper that with a little faith, family and patriotism and it matches to a T. “bless their hearts!”

  6. That flag is hysterical!!! I love California and New York. Oh and the nothing part lololol. My state is covered in the British flag it should follow N.Y. & Ca. I had a Gadsen sticker on my car and someone tore it off?!?! At least they haven’t touched my not so nice Obama sticker:)) Great list, too funny!

  7. Very funny, and most of it is true in some areas, says this Dixie girl!

  8. Hey, hey, hey, easy there, big boy! We’re beautiful too! *laughing* At least MY husband thinks so! 😀

  9. Hysterical map! Great job. Color-coded to match the states’ namesakes, lol. Love the pink “gays” states, the green $$ “whores & casinos,” lol, tan “rattlesnakes & sand,” cracking me up. “Cheese” shoulda been yellow with holes, though, eh? 😀
    And I see you have us living in the dark-brown “Cuban state,” lol. Well, in that case, “Havana Rules!” (a Spicy Cuban Instrumental):

    Re: #24. “No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.”
    LOL, that’s for sure. How about eight kids in the back of the truck, in the days when there were no laws against such things, traveling all the way from N.Fla. down to Cape Canaveral pre-1963 (before its name-change after the JFK murder) to camp out on the beach & get bit by a million sand gnats, in order to watch the launch of some big rocket or missle (I don’t remember which it was); maybe it was one of these “space exploration firsts” pre-1963 launched from CCAFS: first U.S. Earth satellite (1958), first U.S. astronaut (1961), first U.S. astronaut in orbit (1962).

  10. No idea how I missed this, but I found it tonight, so I went down the comments boosting all of you. Of course I’ll now send it to all my Southern friends right after I post this; maybe they’ll get fired up enough to send a comment!

  11. TPR….. 🙂 Loved it! (Mom retired to central “Brown Area”, in beloved locale we visited every winter as an extended family from northerly state….so ……fond memories….much thanks for the art/music… another world there, is it not?) Is it “Cuban” or is it just an unruly part of the USA within a huge population base (as opposed to, say, Utah) that the Dems have not figured out how to dupe/subjugate/steal/hoodwink entirely yet?

  12. This southerner had trouble figuring out what #11 was even saying.


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