Tag Archives: Shopping

The Church Dinner.

A group of friends from the Peninsula Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom smothered steak.
But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”
He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”
So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played ’42’ and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet’s ear.
She said, “Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot is dead.”
Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible.
We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet…

“You know, that fellow that run over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.”
~Steve~               H/T  Joseph
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Let's start the week with a laugh.

The Buttocks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?’
‘My darling,’ she replied, ‘I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.’
~Steve~                H/T    Joseph,  with thanks to Dom B.

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How to install a Southern Home Security System.

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men’s work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a  copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads  ……

Ouch..

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke,  Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.

Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls.

They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

~Steve~             H/T    Miss May

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Drill Sergeant Joe B. Fricks Rules For A Gunfight

Never were truer words spoken than those of Drill Sergeant Fricks. We could use some of those Israeli Women in the United States. Always remember the three rules to live by:

 
1. Don’t piss into the wind.
2. Don’t tug on Superman’s cape.

3. Don’t screw with the Israeli military.

Drill Sergeant Joe B. Fricks Rules For A Gunfight
RULES FOR A GUN, KNIFE, BASEBALL BAT OR FIST FIGHT
1. Forget about knives, bats and fists. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. Bring four times the ammunition you think you could ever need.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammunition is cheap – life is expensive. If you shoot inside, buckshot is your friend. A new wall is cheap – funerals are expensive.
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

 
4. If your shooting stance is good, you’re probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker and go to cover. Distance is your friend. (Bulletproof cover and diagonal or lateral movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a semi or full-automatic long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. Yell “Fire!” Why “Fire”? Cops will come with the Fire Department, sirens often scare off the bad guys, or at least cause then to lose concentration and will…. and who is going to summon help if you yell “Intruder,” “Glock” or “Winchester?”
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on “pucker factor” than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Always cheat, always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won’t work. “No battle plan ever survives 10 seconds past first contact with an enemy.”
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible, but remember, sheetrock walls and the like stop nothing but your pulse when bullets tear through them.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don’t drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. Practice reloading one-handed and off-hand shooting. That’s how you live if hit in your “good” side.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. Smiles, frowns and other facial expressions don’t (In God we trust. Everyone else keep your hands where I can see them.)
19. Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet if necessary, because they may want to kill you.
22. Be courteous to everyone, overly friendly to no one.
23. Your number one option for personal security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with anything smaller than “4”.
25. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. “All skill is in vain when an Angel blows the powder from the flintlock of your musket.” At a practice session, throw you gun into the mud, then make sure it still works. You can clean it later.
26. Practice shooting in the dark, with someone shouting at you, when out of breath, etc.
27. Regardless of whether justified of not, you will feel sad about killing another human being. It is better to be sad than to be room temperature.
28. The only thing you EVER say afterward is, “He said he was going to kill me. I believed him. I’m sorry, Officer, but I’m very upset now. I can’t say anything more. Please speak with my attorney.”
Finally, Drill Sergeant Frick’s Rules For Un-armed Combat.
1: Never be unarmed.
2: If you have your hands, your feet, your mind and your Spirit as an American Soldier, Sailor, Airman, Marine or Coastie, you are never unarmed.
3. I would add “Bringing a “Nice Jewish Girl” wouldn’t hurt either!  😀
~Steve~                                  H/T  Mister Grouchy.

Smile for the Camera.


 

You know what's sad? I know she can carry more stuff then me.


 

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My favorite Holiday story

 

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for Christmas submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. . What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
There now doesen’t that just give you the Warm Holiday feeling.
The names have been changed to protect the innocent. 😀
~Steve~      Fa lalalala falalala

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The Talking Centipede

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be much more fun

if he got himself a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a ‘talking centipede‘ (a 100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as a house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.”

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me today to receive blessings?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me
and learn about God?”

…..

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ……

This time, a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the  first time! I’m putting my damn shoes on!”

~Steve~     H/T   Miss May

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Ed, Nancy, and Golf

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, “I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed, that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.”
“Oh wow! I see,” Ed replied.
He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment.
Deep in serious thought then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
~Steve~      H/T   May

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When I say I'm Broke, I'm Broke

 

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying
a vacuum cleaner. ‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time,

I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
”Go away!” said the old lady. ”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open…

”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. ”Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove

all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”
~Steve~                A Big H/T To our Miss May.

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Words. They have meaning. And are fun.

Now that has got to leave a bruise.


 
Did you know “listen” and “silent” use the same letters?
Do you know that the words “race car” spelled backwards
still spells “race car”?
And that “eat” is the only word that if you take the
first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past
tense “ate”?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters
in illegal immigrants,” and add just a few more letters, it
spells:
“Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking,
baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other
hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding,
goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”
How weird is that!
Here are just a few more.
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.
Depression is when you lose your job.
Recovery is when Obama loses his job!
~Steve~                    H/T   Jean

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Just a guess, but do you think these people may regret their choice of outfit one day?

These should be fun to pull out the Album someday and explain to the kids you were smoking something illegal..  ~Steve~      H/T   Tom in NC

Hmm, life size bride cake...


She should have married the Wookie


I guess that's a step up when you marry your Pimp


And here I thought tye dye was out this year


They registered at the blood bank


In case he forgets..Wifey

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