Tag Archives: joke

Sunday Funnies

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Warning, A Bit Risque Coming!!!

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OK, Here it is, a test to see if your brain is still working.
Which one do you think is the Blonde?

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Scroll down, Amazing I did not see it before.

.

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The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.

That’s OK, I did not Pass the test either.

16monkey

I Know you missed the Blonde one.

~Steve~                                          H/T   hujonwi
 

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Sunday Funny Papers.

Blond Police Recruits for the Toronto Police Department

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So you all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.

???????????????????

 

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did, he has only one eye!

The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”

“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….”
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

” The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, ….he certainly can’t wear glasses.”

~Steve~                                  H/T     Miss May

 

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Lets Go For A Twofer Chuckle.

164wa4 (2)
School Visit
After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?”
Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class.
“Where were we?” says the president. “Oh, yes… do you kids have any questions?”

Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?”

Trainee Blondes Detectives
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds”… think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does
in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
“That’s easy,” the blonde replied.
“He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
~Steve~                                H/T     https://dailyjokes.co

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Enough of Dumb Blonde, Brunette, Redhead, Black , Curly, straight, long, short Jokes!


A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype
Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…pathetically all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
“You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little poop head  on your lap.”
~Steve~                           H/T  I_Man

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It's Gonna Be a Long Night Tonight


Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.’
The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I!  And where about in Ireland are ya from?’
The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So, am I!  And what street did you live on in Dublin?’
The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’
The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!’
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’
H/t beloved fellow Joseph!
~Eowyn

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What If Your Computer Were a Car?


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared  the computer industry with the auto industry and said, ‘If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’
In response to Bill’ s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: 
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 
1. For no reason whatsoever, your  car would crash………Twice a  day. 
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.  
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.  
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive — but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.  
7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.  
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.  
9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 
10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.  
P.S. When all else fails, you could call “customer service” in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!


Note: The above never happened. Bill Gates did not mock the auto industry and GM did not issue the rebuttal. But it does make a good joke.  😉 
H/t beloved fellow f
~Eowyn

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The Wisdom of Older Women

This man certainly discovered that truth! LOL
H/t Fellowship co-founder Joan.  😉
~Eowyn

THE WISDOM OF THE OLDER WOMAN
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
“Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
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The Celibate Husband

What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold-Medal All-Purpose, isn’t it?”
And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy….
A big h/t to beloved fellow Joseph!   😀
~Eowyn

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Beauty, Strong Man, and Liar

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman In the world.”
“I am entering!” said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, “Well, how’d ya do?”
“First Place!,” said Snow White.
They continue walking and see another sign: “Contest for the strongest man in the world.”
“I’m entering,” says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?”
“First Place,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”
They continue walking when they see yet another sign: “Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?”
Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. 
“What happened?,” Snow White and Superman ask.
Pinocchio, crestfallen, asks: “Who the hell is Obama?”

H/t beloved fellow Joseph Fasciani!
~Eowyn

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Best Politically Incorrect Joke of the Year

A young Arab asks his father:
“What is this weird hat that we are wearing?”
“Why, it’s a chechia because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!”

“And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?”
“It’s a djbellah because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!”
“And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?”
“These are babouches, which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!”

“Tell me, Abba?”
“Yes, my son?”
“Why are we living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this sh*t?”
H/t beloved fellow May!
~Eowyn

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