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We Need A Laugh Or Two. Hope This Does It.

mole
 
Baby Mole
A daddy mommy and baby mole are in their hole relaxing one morning when daddy mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, “I smell pancakes”.
Mommy mole sticks her head out the tiny hole and says, “I smell pancakes too…pancakes with maple syrup!! Baby mole come smell the pancakes with maple syrup”.

Baby mole sticks his head upwards to get to the hole and exclaims “I cant smell anything but moleasses?!”

Sex vs Secs
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “,Daddy, what is sex?”,
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “,Why did you ask this question?”,
The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”    ( Ouch )
~Steve~                                       H/T   https://dailyjokes.co
 

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My darkest Christmas Eve

It was December 1970. I had been raised in a loving Catholic home, and always celebrated Christmas. But now, in my 2nd Christmas after high school I didn’t know if I believed anymore.
I was caught in the spell of “Woodstock Nation”, and on Christmas Eve, instead of gathering with family and going to church, I took a night time walk alone through the woods to a meadow where my friends and I would meet in the summer. The night wasn’t very cold, but lacking the joy of Christmas, my heart was in a deep chill. I have only felt that bleak on perhaps 3 occasions, but this was the most profound.
Within a year from that date I would end up losing a semester to mononucleosis, in a moment of tachycardia, submit to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, while recovering from mono, read Lord of the Rings, meet some wonderful Christian people, begin attending a Charismatic Episcopal church, find and lose the girl of my dreams, discover the truest love is the love of God, lose friends, make friends.  It was a turbulent year, but one thing I can say is, I’ve never spent another Christmas without the fellowship of the King born 2000 years earlier.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a GOOD night.
~ TD

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The Church Dinner.

A group of friends from the Peninsula Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom smothered steak.
But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”
He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”
So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played ’42’ and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet’s ear.
She said, “Mrs. Williams, Ol’ Spot is dead.”
Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible.
We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet…

“You know, that fellow that run over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.”
~Steve~               H/T  Joseph
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This has to be Little Johnny's Cousin.

 

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100%!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet.
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
* No time at all, as the wall is already built
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
~Steve~             H/T    Joseph’s friend Tom o.

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Update!!! Grouchy!!! Update!!!

Grouchy is Kicken Butt!!!!!!
Just rec’d e-mail from Rose Ann.
Hi Steve,
What a difference a couple of days make.  Grouchy is on the mend and I spoke with 2 of his doctors today.  They took him off IV’s and put him on a regular diet and said if could tolerate that, they would release him tomorrow into my capable hands.  LOL
I have to be honest with you Steve.  We almost lost him because of his cardiologistNeedless to say that cardiologist is no longer going to get near him. (
Hey Give me the word, I’ll have a chat with him. ) We have a new one who worked very hard over the weekend to keep him here with us a while longer and he told me that the one up in Denver almost killed him with the drugs he prescribed. So Grouchy fought hard to stay and I will be happy when I get him here.
Thank you for remembering him in your prayers.
Rose Ann

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A Day late and a Turkey short.

 

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon an old man carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the man, ‘Where did you get that turkey?’
The man replied, ‘What turkey?’
The game warden said, ‘That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.’
The man looks down and said, ‘Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!’
The game warden said, ‘Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?’
The old man said, ‘I guess I’ll just kiss his butt and let him go!’
May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy never have a lump,
May your yams be delicious,
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!..and don’t mess with old people.
~Steve~       H/T  Tina
 
 

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It's Little Johnny time.. Uh Oh!!

Not sure, but I think bottom row on left is Johnny


 
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny’s daddy thinks, “I’ll get a head start on Johnny’s gambling.”
So he calls the teacher and says, “My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you’ll have to keep an eye on him.”
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, “Hi, my name is Johnny.”
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, “I bet you ten dollars you’ve got a mole on your butt.”
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, “Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost.”
The teacher says, “Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem.”
Johnny’s dad laughs and says, “No you didn’t, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he’d see your butt before the day was over.”
~Steve~

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Jimmy – Little Johnny's cousin


Little Jimmy attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Little Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ….
~Steve~         H/T  Sam2

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