A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for Christmas submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. . What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE… !!!
I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
There now doesen’t that just give you the Warm Holiday feeling.
The names have been changed to protect the innocent. 😀
~Steve~ Fa lalalala falalala
-
Recent Posts
- President Trump living rent-free in libtard Jim Carrey’s head
- S.F. postpones Nude Valentine Parade because of weather
- Liberal utopia of California: Survey shows 53% want to leave the state
- U of Texas professor José Gutierrez defends his ‘eliminate the gringo’ quote
- Saturday Funnies! AOC dumb quotes
- Noel Ignatiev – An Example Of How Antifa Became So Stupid
- Washington state inmates on hunger strike over muffins for breakfast
- Ann Coulter: By signing the budget deal, Trump signs away his right as CIC to build the wall
- Washington state on path to providing universal health care
- Dog uses own body to keep toddler alive in Siberian cold
Recent Comments
- True Dan on S.F. postpones Nude Valentine Parade because of weather
- CalGirl on President Trump living rent-free in libtard Jim Carrey’s head
- Lana on U of Texas professor José Gutierrez defends his ‘eliminate the gringo’ quote
- CalGirl on Dog uses own body to keep toddler alive in Siberian cold
- Seumas on President Trump living rent-free in libtard Jim Carrey’s head
- Lana on U of Texas professor José Gutierrez defends his ‘eliminate the gringo’ quote
- Seumas on Guess who is to blame for anti-vaccination misinformation…
- mossy oak on President Trump living rent-free in libtard Jim Carrey’s head
- CalGirl on S.F. postpones Nude Valentine Parade because of weather
- CalGirl on U of Texas professor José Gutierrez defends his ‘eliminate the gringo’ quote
Clustr Map
Top Posts
- U of Texas professor José Gutierrez defends his 'eliminate the gringo' quote
- Saturday Funnies! AOC dumb quotes
- Trafficker of child sex-slaves admits to killing hundreds of children
- Ann Coulter: By signing the budget deal, Trump signs away his right as CIC to build the wall
- S.F. postpones Nude Valentine Parade because of weather
Our Authors
-
Cinderella Broom
-
Dave
-
DCG
- President Trump living rent-free in libtard Jim Carrey’s head
- Liberal utopia of California: Survey shows 53% want to leave the state
- Washington state inmates on hunger strike over muffins for breakfast
- Washington state on path to providing universal health care
- UK woman arrested for calling “trans woman” a “man” on Twitter
-
Deplorable Patriot
-
Dr. Eowyn
- S.F. postpones Nude Valentine Parade because of weather
- U of Texas professor José Gutierrez defends his ‘eliminate the gringo’ quote
- Saturday Funnies! AOC dumb quotes
- Ann Coulter: By signing the budget deal, Trump signs away his right as CIC to build the wall
- Dog uses own body to keep toddler alive in Siberian cold
-
Grif
- How Many Poops Does it Take to Create a Petty Dictator?
- “Traditional Masculinity” is Harmful, American Psychological Association Says
- Senator Feinstein Files Bill to Ban Nearly All Civilian Firearms
- Facebook Suspends Evangelist Franklin Graham for his Biblical “Hate Speech”
- Landlord Tells Harvard Grad Student to Move Out Over Gun Ownership
-
Joan
-
TrailDust
-
Meta
Subscribe to Blog via Email
Follow me on Twitter
My TweetsHistory
Founded 12-23-2009. Burned down by WordPress 8-15-2018 with 63M hits. Resurrected 8-23-2018. DDOS attacks began 11-10-2018. Massive Spam attacks on 12-3-2018.
Blog Stats since 8/23/2018
- 1,513,658 hits
Follow Us