We stand at a point of crisis, in fact, many crises, just as we have been doing for more than 70 years without fully realizing it. Even me. And, just as it was in 1972 when Nixon facilitated the earth in averting Sino-Soviet cooperation, Midstream Republicans must save us.
Our destruction is at hand from many sources. In this article we divulge the top ten most urgent, starting with some of the better-known.
Global Warming. I don’t have to explain this. Everyone is familiar with it because it has already taken us in its grip, melting the polar ice caps, drying up all our water, killing the polar bears, causing hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, cold waves, heat waves and international conferences.
Global Cooling. Long forgotten, the specter of global cooling, which the environmentalists warned us about in the ’70s, is being reconsidered with the shift in global temperatures (and the discovery of falsified data). Global cooling would expand the polar ice caps, freezing up all our water, killing the panda bears, causing hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, cold waves, heat waves and international conferences.
Climate Change is neither global warming nor global cooling, but a deadly vacillating back and forth between BOTH, drying up, then freezing all our water, killing the polar bears AND panda bears, causing hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, cold waves, heat waves and international conferences.
Global Whacking. Near Earth Objects (Big Asteroids) crash into Earth, effectively whacking it.
Black Holes. A star collapses, producing an immense gravitational pull along the way, drawing everything in its path—including light—toward its core, like a giant vacuum cleaner from which there’s no escape. A lot like the IRS.
Mini Black Holes. From the Large Hadron Collider ( LHC) in Geneva, Switzerland. Although Hawking’s radiation should dissolve these holes instantly, no one knows for certain that Hawking’s radiation works on the micro scale or if we have enough of it. And if it doesn’t, one mini black hole could start bouncing around the Earth, essentially dicing the planet into two groups, the hole-y and the un-hole-y.
Nanobots. Billions of tiny self-replicating robots suddenly go berserk and instead of doing the job for which they were built (like mopping up an oil spill), they start consuming all matter on Earth—while building more of themselves. Ick.
Gamma Rays. A high-energy beam of electromagnetic
radiation shot out of a supernova, or exploding star. Researchers say we must avoid a routine gamma-ray burst within 3,000 light years of the Earth. A full-time job.
Strangelets. Bits of “strange matter.” When strange matter encounters normal matter, it turns normal matter into strange matter. Evidence of this is everywhere. Normally, strange matter decays in microseconds and doesn’t cause much harm. But it’s theoretically possible for a chunk to stabilize. If that happens it would start turning all nearby matter into strange matter—and it wouldn’t stop. The “normal” Earth would eventually be replaced by the “strange” Earth. There is no telling how far this has gone.
Deadly pathogens. These have already been made into bio-weapons. Any of them, especially with a little genetic tinkering to make strains more virulent, would have the potential to end life as we know it. Pretty soon we’ll be genetically engineering bugs that no one has ever seen and to which no one has any natural-born immunity for the single purpose of wiping out all life on earth.
Antimatter. When matter and antimatter bump into each other, the result is total annihilation. The evil LHC in Geneva can manufacture antimatter in small amounts. It lies in a tunnel 27 kilometres (17 mi) in circumference, as much as 175 metres (574 ft) beneath the Franco-Swiss border. This synchrotron is designed to collide opposing particle beams of either protons at an energy of 7 teraelectronvolts (1.12 micro-joules) per particle, or lead. It could be taken out with a preemptive nuclear strike.
Yellowstone Park’s Super-volcano. It can pump enough ash and sulfuric acid into the atmosphere to blot out the sun, greatly multiplying the difficulty of casual reading, outdoor sports and rendering every sundial on earth totally inoperable. More funding is needed for research to develop means of eliminating super volcanoes.
Losses of Biodiversity. Too many species die, upsetting the fragile balance of eco-power through lack of eco-regulation. Eeeeek!
Solar Flares. Jets of plasma shooting out of the sun will cause massive outages, radio blackouts, satellite malfunctions, telecommunication-system meltdowns, a banking and financial-systems collapse and air-traffic control screens turned to fuzz. In other words, the same stuff we went through on Y2K all over again.
Alien Invasion (don’t laugh). The logic is simple. Since life evolved here from the random interaction of mindless matter, it must have happened all over the Universe. The cosmos is therefore, teeming with unknown life spanning the spectrum from primitive and warlike Sigourney-Weaver-style Aliens with acid blood to highly sophisticated super-intelligent super cultures with super-weapons and light speed hyperdrives. It’s only logical. And we are not prepared. Earth’s defenses are much like the U.S. Defenses before 911.
Just as it took Nixon to normalize relations with China, Esser to embrace SEIU, Bush to get a prescription drug benefit and Mitt Romney to achieve universal health care and gay marriage in Massachusetts, it will take Midstream Republicans to do the heavy lifting to avert environmental disasters.
We must look to Republican Environmentalists! Luckily, here in Washington we have Slade and Rob McKenna leading a solid team including (prominently) Sam Reed, Dave Reichert and Reagan Dunn. And mark my words, Dino will be back, stylin’! We’re all one, after all.
We must pass McCain/Lieberman! We must empower Regional Sustainability! We must develop a Department of HomePlanet Security with new powers striking down civil liberties and privacy. Biological eco-screening throughout society should become common, in schools, toll booths, stop lights and traffic checkpoints.
Give us DNA scans!
Give us the Big Tent!
Doris Grupa is Executive Director of Midstream Republicans of Washington