Study says men with beard & long hair have smallest testicles

A study of over 100 primate species, including humans, by three evolutionary biologists from the University of Western Australia and the University of Zurich, found that the more “showy” and “ornamental” the males were, the smaller their testicles were likely to be.

The study by Stefan Lüpold, Leigh W. Simmons and Cyril C. Grueter was supported by the Swiss National Science Foundation and published as “Sexual ornaments but not weapons trade off against testes size in primates” in the journal, Proceedings of the Royal Society B, on April 10, 2019.

“Sexual ornaments” of male primates refer to secondary sexual characteristics used by males to attract females and to signal social dominance within the group. Those sexual ornaments include red chest patches of geladas, cheek flanges of orangutans, hair capes of hamadryas baboons, enlarged noses of proboscis monkeys, and the beards of men.

“Weapons” refer to physical traits used by males in direct male–male combat, such as the size of their canine teeth.

Here is the study’s Abstract, written in typical academic jargon:

Males must partition their limited reproductive investments between traits that promote access to females (sexual ornaments and weapons) and traits that enhance fertilization success, such as testes and ejaculates. Recent studies show that if the most weaponized males can monopolize access to females through contest competition, thereby reducing the risk of sperm competition, they tend to invest less in sperm production. However, how males invest in sexual ornaments relative to sperm production remains less clear. If male ornaments serve as badges of status, with high-ranking males attaining near-exclusive access to females, similar to monopolizing females through combat, their expression should also covary negatively with investment in post-mating traits. In a comparative study across primates, which exhibit considerable diversification in sexual ornamentation, male weaponry and testes size, we found relative testes size to decrease with sexual ornaments but increase with canine size. These contrasting evolutionary trajectories might be driven by differential selection, functional constraints or temporal patterns of metabolic investment between the different types of sexual traits. Importantly, however, our results indicate that the theory of relative investments between weapons and testes in the context of monopolizing females can extend to male ornaments.

A press release from the University of Zurich said:

To maximize their chances of passing on their genes, males of many primate species invest heavily in various sexual traits, such as a large body size, or long canines that can serve as weapons in direct contests over mates. What’s more, showy sexual ornaments such as manes, beards, fleshy swellings, and colourful skin patches can help them intimidate rivals and woo females.

And if males can’t keep other males off their females, they will try to outcompete them at the level of sperm. By swamping the sperm of others, they can increase their chances of fertilization. But producing a lot of sperm requires large testicles.

As reported by the UK Evening Standard, the researchers say that the reason for males either being well-adorned (sexual ornaments) or well-endowed (large testicles) is that it takes too much energy to be “showy” and have larger testicles at the same time. In other words, males who invest their energy in sexual ornaments have less energy to invest in developing large testicles. As one of the study’s authors, University of Zurich evolutionary biologist Stefan Lüpold, said in a statement: “Ornament elaboration comes at the expense of testicle size and sperm production. In a nutshell, the showiest males have the smallest testes.”

H/t Clash Daily

~Eowyn

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Lophatt
Member
Lophatt

Maybe if Big Mike grew a beard he wouldn’t have so many wardrobe problems.

William
Member
William

It would seem his biggest wardrobe problem, apart from the swingin’ package, is how to hide his Adam’s Apple. The neck muscles are big, like a linebacker, but not quite big enough. So yeah a beard, the First Bearded Lady

Lophatt
Member
Lophatt

He could ask Ann Coulter how to hide that but he probably wouldn’t talk to him.

William
Member
William

Now now. Mr. Annie’s down with us. More or less

Lophatt
Member
Lophatt

Just saying…! I don’t care what their political persuasion is, if they’re “odd”, they’re “odd”.

William
Member
William

She’s odd alright. A lot of that going around it seems

Lophatt
Member
Lophatt

She’s a “Yaley”. Maybe she needs a link to the “flaming idiot” string.

kjf
Guest
kjf

The things ppl get paid to study.

Long hair, me generation, hippie pot smoker or newer generation equals low testosterone. Its the soy. No study needed

Lophatt
Member
Lophatt

To me, anyone with a “man bun” needs a bone in their nose. We get a lot of those around here. Most have those Ubangi ear holes too. Nice!!

William
Member
William

“man bun”..how “gay” is that. I see one and I just want to grab my machete and lop the effing thing off. But I think a general rule of thumb is self abuse/mutilation = satanic influence

Alma
Member
Alma

One to ask should be Fidel Castro, too bad he’s in the cauldrons burning, the double agent sported long hair and a beard in 1959, He had the biggest testes when he defied the US subverting all of Latin America, Africa and sinking Cuba in the name of COMMUNISM.

Lophatt
Member
Lophatt

Pequeno huevos?

Alma
Member
Alma

Don’t think so, hehehe.

William
Member
William

And the CIA was actually toying with the idea of slipping some kind of chemical into his food that would make his beard fall out

Chemtrailssuck
Guest
Chemtrailssuck

I’d like to get paid to study if the combination of Mt. Dew, NASCAR, WWE and welfare payments contributes to the dumbing down of Americans.

William
Member
William

I have a beard and this studies conclusions are lies, all lies 🙂 But the individuals pictured here are not men, rather that nutless low-T intermediate gender known as “guys”. Which for some time now has included females. I didn’t get the connection with the trash bags at first, I thought they were a family of Somali “refugees”

Lou Minati
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Lou Minati

I’m not convinced that long hair and beards relate to testicle size, but it’s a proven fact that guys with small “packages” are the ones driving the biggest pickup trucks.

Lana
Guest
Lana

Do testosterone levels have anything to do with size? Not sure but I heard that male pattern baldness is a correlated to higher testosterone levels. My my husband has a very heavy beard, though no long hair, or God forbid, man bun, in fact it’s quite sparse on his head, and well let’s just say ….in my experience a beard has nothing to do with endowment or lack thereof.

William
Member
William

Extent of body hair correlates roughly with testosterone as does MPB I believe. When doctors measure T levels they usually do serum T, less significant than “free” T. So it doesn’t tell you much. The individuals pictured here are obviously deficient however. No bloodwork needed

Lana
Guest
Lana

“The individuals pictured here are obviously deficient however. No bloodwork needed”

Lol, Yes amazing form of natural selection – the obvious!

Lophatt
Member
Lophatt

In the wild they’d be eaten by muskrats and therefore unable to breed.

Kevin Lankford
Member
Kevin Lankford

As I see it, the whole purpose of such a study is to deflect from the fact that we are creations of GOD, in no way to be compared to ‘any’ of the animal kingdom, which are wholey dependent on mostly seasonal instinctive promiscuity to perpetuate their species. It aids in veiling the truth that we are above the animal, not the result of evolution, and are expected to abide by higher moral values. No doubt our physical differences can be traced to the genetic make up of humanity, and I truly believe the influences of satan him self, that… Read more »

CalGirl
Guest
CalGirl

Don’t personally evaluate the testicles…..but I CAN evaluate the style choices, which immediately leads me to conjecturing about IQ, readiness to be LED in a fad instead of being a LEADER in ANYTHING…..personal values, social strata, maybe even family background and past school deportment reports, and so on and so on…..

Lophatt
Member
Lophatt

Well, in those Kyle Onstott books the women weighed them.

scilliam@yahoo.com
Guest
scilliam@yahoo.com

soy boys with man buns and skinny jeans…

Steven Broiles
Member

I don’t believe a word of this study, for these reasons. First, both the Old and New Testaments spoke of men who routinely had long hair and beards, and spoke of them in either glowing or damning terms; I cannot recall hearing of one Bible story where a man was ridiculed because of his small “package.” (Unless one would infer from the story of Onan that such was the case, but I cannot recall anything that remotely suggested that). Second, as Dr. Ted Broer and others have stated, soy is a vegetable that, in his opinion based on his research,… Read more »

joe
Guest
joe

I have long hair. A beard. A mustache. Yeah my balls are relatively smaller, but it ain’t my balls that will be doing the job.

D3F1ANT
Guest
D3F1ANT

LMAO! Studies. Look for meaningless words like “linked to” and “more likely to.” Just remember that those false associations don’t actually necessarily MEAN anything.

km
Member
km

Soy boys are a embarrassment. But I realize it’s from the chems in the food, water, and the air… But being informed is vital…

TrailDust
Admin

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!

I really need a laughing emoticon for this post. 😀

Chemtrailssuck
Guest
Chemtrailssuck

Is this why so many “men” in the US are growing beards and long hair now?

I’ve just heard about a study that said scientists that work for the Swiss National Science Foundation have the smallest brain size of humans on the planet, and their testicle size is tiny too.

Any anthropologist worth their salt could shoot down that paper plane.

DonaldD
Guest
DonaldD

Funny study. I don’t know is it true but I know that any study without essayshark review or EssayShark legit is a waste of time. Interesting to see more reviews and studies on that. I think that these kinds of articles are made for hipsters butthurt. Anyway, I’m gonna read more reviews on essayshark service.