Monday Funny: UPS flight maintenance logs

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here’s a sample of pilot-mechanic communications:
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on back-order.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: DME (distance measuring equipment) volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That’s what friction locks are for.
Problem: IFF (identification, friend or foe) inoperative in OFF mode.
Solution: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you’re right.
Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.
Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from the midget.
Note: The above list is not really UPS’s because the list has been circulating on the Internet since 1997, variously attributed to the U.S. Air Force, Royal Air Force, Qantas, and others airlines.
H/t FOTM‘s Glenn47
~Eowyn

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RLJohnson77
Guest

I worked as an Air Traffic Control radar repairman for 15 years. We often wrote terse fix action reports to stupid work orders.
My favorite: problem identified, direct short between the headsets.

japoa
Guest
japoa

This may not be to far-fetched , being that they are union employees .

janetgb13
Guest

I recognized this as late-90s humor as I started reading and it is funny to think of “oldies” on the Internet already. It still seems like rather new technology, but 20 years ago IS a long time and these are kinda sweet compared to the increased sarcasm and nastiness of a lot of jokes today.

MomOfIV
Guest
MomOfIV

good chuckle…

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[…] via Monday Funny: UPS flight maintenance logs — Fellowship of the Minds […]

daveyone1
Guest

Reblogged this on World Peace Forum.

Auntie Lulu
Guest
Auntie Lulu

That was great! Really enjoyed the chuckle.

YouKnowWho
Guest
YouKnowWho

I used to tell users that it was error code
I.D./10/T (IDIOT) and if it happens again
“unplug it and plug it back in”.
Or I’d tell em it was operator error and the manual said to
“remove and replace the operator”.

filia.aurea
Guest

Still laughing..

Steven Broiles
Member

Putting the cat in the plane would actually work, as long as it has a steady supply of mice!

Leeann Springer
Guest
Leeann Springer

These are hilarious, especially the midget with a hammer. LOL Leeann

pigpen51
Guest
pigpen51

I had seen this one awhile back, but it is always a hoot.