Introducing Planned Longevity!

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INTRODUCING PLANNED LONGEVITY!
February 5, 2011 by Doris Grupa (Midstream Republicans of Washington)

As I’ve pointed out many times the problem with so-called “conservatives” is they always want government that’s “against” something; it’s never about what they’re “for.”
We moderates are the ones that are “for” things. But I must admit, except for Dino Rossi’s campaign and its wonderful foray into fashion, we’ve been in a bit of a rut of late, as if we’ve been somehow intimidated into simply emulating the right (although I do love my camouflage outfits!)
And until Mitt Romney unveils his “Government Clearinghouse Sweepstakes” we need something to get us out of the doldrums. I have it!
Linda Nazar first contacted me at Animaltronics© to get her research group on Earth Command® software and we hit it off right away. She shared with me about her research on Lithium/Sulphur technology and it sparked my imagination. Now we will cooperatively introduce TerminalMan and TerminalWoman kits as a part of our partnership in “Planned Longevity,” soon to provide services in every community in America!
The investment potential is enormous! The political opportunities are potentially viral!
The bugaboo about end of life services has always been the third-party factor. When a person wanted to end their own life with dignity they had to get a doctor to do it for them, usually with chemicals, usually in a clinical atmosphere. And the extremists among us legislated against the poor physicians providing those services as if merely fulfilling a contract ending a person’s life was, somehow, being a “contract killer!” Right-wing extremists aside, many doctors balked when asked to perform end-of-life services as if there was some sort of stigma surrounding terminating people. (Yes, even educated people can be the dupes of religious extremists).
And although there have long been non-medical means of controlling ones own physical viability, unless you were a person with military or other lethal training, there have been ongoing challenges centering on efficiency, portability and, well, messiness.

John was pleased to have found an end to his troubles, but less pleased when he found it required an expensive appointment to be plugged in.

Planned Longevity will circumvent all those problems by providing our clients with their own means of coming to grips with life: the TerminalMan and TerminalWoman end-of-life vests.
Based on the availability of the new lithium technology, TerminalMan and TerminalWoman vests will now, at the user’s command, deliver more than 5 amps of electricity from multiple cell 100 volt batteries directly through the thoracic cavity quickly incapacitating the heart and mercifully terminating the citizen’s participation in all government programs (and all programs).
Terminal Logic helmets will also be available options* for an even more placid end-of-life experience.

Available with EquaFlo® variable current, Terminal Logic helmets incapacitate various brain functions. Prototypes have been used to facilitate reading local print media news sources. Used in conjunction with TermainalMan or Woman vests, the helmet can eliminate the brain’s capacity to experience any discomfort from the terminal electrocution process.
The first challenge to marketing success has, of course, been the vest design. We wanted to give our clients the sense of empowerment that we knew would come with being able to wear the vests anywhere and choose one’s own time and place to depart from the world, even on a sudden whim. So it was important, especially for women, to have a product that met our fashion standards. Design, though, was much more difficult for the women than for the men.
The men’s versions are ultra-macho, Off-road, Jeep and Humvee-inspired ballistic vests that impart a sense of dominance anywhere you wear them (we strongly advise against airport use).
We call this the “H2” Termainal Man vest:

Here is a picture of former actor Chris Farley modeling the “Patriot”:

With her fabulous commitment to choice it was easy to get my dear friend, Jane Fonda to model our first Terminal Woman prototype.
But even on Jane the thing looked frumpy and Jane agreed. How do you get room on the garment for the batteries and still look stylish? Jane, herself came up with the Siberian Siren idea:

but I was most pleased when our design staff came up with the TerminalWoman “feeling down” vest, here modeled by Victoria Seacrest:

And following that idea, our sleekest model, the mata hari kiri, here shown in black, is to die for:

Now for the business prospects. They’re nothing short of phenomenal. We can demonstrate a huge market for “end it all” services even here in what my good friend, Michael Midstream calls “the greatest nation on god’s green earth” and the economy has just made it even better. Careerists in banking and financial services have a strong incentive to own and wear a Terminal vest.
Beyond that, we know that Government has an almost insatiable appetite to fund killing centers, especially for those unfortunate souls that don’t produce. They will want to provide funding for Longevity Services, without a doubt! Shouldn’t people have the choice to live as long as they want?

Doris Grupa is, among other things, Executive Director of Midstream Republicans of Washington.
Posted in Humor, Medical Homicide, Midstream Republicans, Right to Life, Satire |
H/T Doug Parris at The Reagan Wing
~LTG
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0 responses to “Introducing Planned Longevity!

  1. Hanoi Jane…I can’t say ANYTHING nice about her. I hope karma is a big you-know-what!

     
  2. Ahhh… The always-reliable American ingenuity to the rescue, again!
    I’m with DCG on Hanoi Jane. 😉

     

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