Tue, 09 Nov 2010 19:18:34 +0000
This is indeed a very exciting but confusing program. Being patriotic Americans, our mission is to help you understand with the following Q & A format:
Q. What is an “Economic Stimulus payment”?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
- If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China, Indonesia or Sri Lanka.
- If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
- If you purchase a computer, it will go to India or Taiwan.
- If you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Guatemala, and China.
- If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan, South Korea, and in 5 years, China.
- If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
- And if you buy a bunch of useless stuff, it for sure will go to China.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
- Spending it at yard sales (it’s called “recycling”!), or
- Buying produce at your local farmer’s market, or
- Going to ball games, or
- Spending it on prostitutes, or
- Beer or tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute whom you met at the farmer’s market or a yard sale and drink beer all day.
No need to thank us. We’re just doing our patriotic duty and glad we could be of help!
~Steve & Eowyn