Category Archives: Humor

We have a winner!

. . . for FOTM’s 149th Caption Contest!

So many creative and simply brilliant captions that all deserve to win!

Alas, FOTM writers had to choose a winner. So we duly voted, each for what he/she considered to be the best (#1) and second-best (#2) captions. Each #1 vote is worth 4 points; each #2 vote is worth 2 points.

And the winner of FOTM’s 149th Caption Contest, with two #1 votes and one #2 vote, totaling 10 points, is . . .

Snoopy danceLola!

Here’s her winning caption:

Feminist Pothole

pigpen51 is in second place, with one #1 vote and one #2 vote, totaling 6 points. Here’s the caption:

It’s really ok, Caitlyn Jenner, I believe you, you don’t have to prove you had the surgery.

johnnyp and Scott Merson are in third place, each with one #1 vote and 4 points. Here are their respective captions:

I can see the moon and uranus from here

A whole new perception of “A manhole”

Alexa, chemtrailssuck, and another johnnyp caption are in fourth place, each with one #2 vote and 2 points. Here are their respective captions:

Loose lips sunk Brit bits.

The joke written on her underwear reads, “If you can see this, I’m very drunk. Please stuff me in a cab and send me home. Thank you”

You’re right it does look like Prince Charles with a beard

Well done, everyone!

Congratulations, Lola!

Here’s your fancy-schmancy Award Certificate of Great Excellence, all ready for framing! LOL

StrawberrydancingbananaCarrotChilliMuffinPurpleBanana PineappledancingbananaCarrotChilliMuffinPineappleStrawberry

For all the other caption submissions, go here.

Be here tomorrow for our next very exciting Caption Contest!

~Éowyn

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Lunch with the Pope!

laughing-pug

President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff’s hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying “Never mind, boys, I’ll get it.”

The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope’s entourage were speechless.  No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN, BBC reported:

“TRUMP CAN’T SWIM!”

DCG

A simple joy…

joyful smile

One sunny day in 2018, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn’t reside here.”

The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn’t reside here.”

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I’ve told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn’t reside here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “See you tomorrow.”

DCG

Bear cub honks horn after locking himself in car

A bear cub in Roanoke County, VA, somehow opened the door of a car by pulling the door handle, got in the car, then couldn’t get out.

So the cub did the sensible thing: he honked the car horn. LOL

WDBJ7 reports that on the morning of May 10, 2017, Ryan and Mary Beth McClanahan were in their  home near Green Hill Park when they heard a honk on their car horn.

The McClanahans went out and discovered a bear cub was inside their SUV, honking.

Picture taken by Ryan McClanahan of bear cub sitting in front seat of SUV

They called the police.

Officers say that while the cub caused some damage to the inside of the vehicle, the car’s window was not broken, which meant the bear got into the unlocked car by pulling on the door handle.

Roanoke County Police Officer Chris Thayer said, “You could see there was mist. It was misty, so you could see where he tried to reach for the handle, he opened the handle. Once he got into the car, he locked himself because he couldn’t get himself out.”

Officer Thayer eventually took a chance and cracked open one of the rear doors of the SUV. The cub immediately got out and ran off into the woods.

The officer says the bear was likely looking for snacks in the car.

~Eowyn

Thursday Funnies: Gotta love the South!

yallFlorida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.  “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying … “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.”

When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?  Don’t you see that sign right over your head?”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ’cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’ ”

DCG

Tuesday Funny: pineapple left behind by students mistaken for modern art

If this incident doesn’t show, once and for all, that modern/post-modern art is full of crap, devoid of standards and judgment, I don’t know what is.

Roisin O’Connor reports for The Independent, May 8, 2017, that a pineapple left by two students at an art exhibition at Robert Gordon University (RGU) in Scotland was mistaken for a work of art.

RGU business information technology student Ruairi Gray and his friend Lloyd Jack had bought the pineapple for £1 at a supermarket. They left the fruit on a table at the Look Again exhibition at RGU’s Sir Ian Wood building, hoping that it might be mistaken for art.

Jack tweeted this pic of their pineapple:

Four days later, the two students returned to the exhibit and found that the pineapple had been put inside its own glass display case.

Gray, 22, told the MailOnline“I saw an empty art display stand and decided to see how long it would stay there or if people would believe it was art. I came in later and it had been put in a glass case – it’s the funniest thing that has happened all year. My honours supervisor saw it and asked an art lecturer if it was real because he could not believe it.”

Natalie Kerr, a cultural assistant who organized the art exhibit, denied displaying the pineapple as art, claiming she is allergic to pineapples. She told the Press & Journal, “We were moving the exhibition, and came back after 10 minutes and it was in this glass case. It’s a bit of a mystery – the glass is pretty heavy and would need two or three people to move it, we have no idea who did it. But it’s still there now, we decided to keep it because it’s keeping with the playful spirit of this commission.”

The pineapple incident is similar to a prank a year ago when a pair of glasses placed by a 17-year-old on the floor at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art (SFMOMA) was also mistaken as part of the art exhibition.

To test whether art-goers would mistake anything as art if it’s placed in a gallery setting, TJ Khayatan placed the glasses on the floor of SFMOMA and walked away.

Soon after, visitors to the gallery surrounded the glasses and began taking pictures.

See also:

~Eowyn

Monday Funny: UPS flight maintenance logs

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here’s a sample of pilot-mechanic communications:

Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Problem: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Solution: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on back-order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME (distance measuring equipment) volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That’s what friction locks are for.

Problem: IFF (identification, friend or foe) inoperative in OFF mode.
Solution: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Suspected crack in windshield.
Solution: Suspect you’re right.

Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

Problem: Target radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Cat installed.

Problem: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Solution: Took hammer away from the midget.

Note: The above list is not really UPS’s because the list has been circulating on the Internet since 1997, variously attributed to the U.S. Air Force, Royal Air Force, Qantas, and others airlines.

H/t FOTM‘s Glenn47

~Eowyn