Category Archives: Humor

Friday funnies!

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h/t @CloydRivers

DCG

Wednesday Funny

The downside to having a short temper…..

 

Subject:  TEXT TO NEIGHBOR:

TEXT TO NEIGHBOR:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make.

I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and
I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this.

The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home
recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great.  I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second Text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Spell Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife”.

Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

Regards, Richard

-Dave

(H/t: My NB bud Michael)

The Die-In Caption Contest

This is the 178th world-famous FOTM Caption Contest!

Here’s the pic:

About the pic: A “die-in” in a grocery store on June 12, 2018, National Die-in Day, to protest against the NRA and advocate gun control in honor of the “hundreds of countless lives lost to gun violence in this country each year.”

You know the drill:

  • Enter the contest by submitting your caption as a comment on this thread (scroll down until you see the “LEAVE A REPLY” box), not via email or on Facebook.
  • The winner of the Caption Contest will get a gorgeous Award Certificate of Excellence and a year’s free subscription to FOTM! :D
  • FOTM writers will vote for the winner.
  • Any captions proffered by FOTM writers, no matter how brilliant (ha ha), will not be considered. :(

This contest will be closed in a week, at the end of next Tuesday, June 19, 2018.

To get the contest going, here’s my caption:

What if they staged a die-in and nobody cared?

For the winner of our last Caption Contest, go here.

~Eowyn

We have a winner!

. . . for FOTM’s 177th Caption Contest!

There were 66 submissions!

The FOTM writers duly voted, each for what he/she considered to be the best (#1) and second-best (#2) captions. Each #1 vote is worth 4 points; each #2 vote is worth 2 points.

And the clear winner of FOTM’s 177th Caption Contest, with three #1 votes, totaling 12 points is . . .

True Dan!

This is the winning caption:

It is so cold here. It isn’t hot like it is in hell.

dkolb2010, MoFrappy and Recynd77 are in 2nd place, each with one #1 vote and one #2 vote, totaling 6 points each. Here are their respective captions:

dkolb2010: “Reptilians are cold blooded”

MoFrappy: “The last time I saw a Clinton that swollen and stiff, there was a Lewinski dangling off one end.”

Recynd77: “What hump?” (Igor, Young Frankenstein)

Grif, another MoFrappy caption, and Silhouette are in 3rd place, each with one #2 vote and 2 points. Here are their respective captions:

Grif: “Oh yes, it’s the latest in Paris fashions. It’s called ‘Bundle of Newspapers on the Way to the Dump’.”

MoFrappy: “Quick! With just the head poking out, there’s still time for a partial birth abortion.”

Silhouette: “In typical fashion, the truth is always hidden under layers of deceit.”

Well done, everyone!

Congratulations, True Dan!

Here is your fancy-schmancy Award Certificate of Great Excellence, all ready for framing! LOL

StrawberrydancingbananaCarrotChilliMuffinPurpleBananaPineappledancingbananaCarrotChilliMuffinPineappleStrawberry

For all the other caption submissions, go here and here.

Be here tomorrow for our next very exciting Caption Contest!

~Eowyn

North Korea dictator Kim Jong-Un brought his own toilet to summit with Trump

That sounds like a joke. But it’s not.

President Trump will meet with North Korea “rocket man” Kim Jong-Un in a historic, unprecedented US-NK Summit tomorrow in Singapore.

Mark Moore reports for the New York Post, June 11, 2018:

North Korean despot Kim Jong Un is so anal about thwarting spies that he brought his own portable toilet to the five-star hotel where he’s staying in Singapore for the summit with President Trump, according to a report.

The toilet, which will deny “sewer divers insights into the supreme leader’s stools,” arrived in a transport plane ahead of him that also carried special food and his bulletproof limousine, the South Korean website Chosun reported Monday.

Kim, whose trip to the summit with Trump is only the third time he’s left North Korea since assuming power in 2011, routinely uses a portable john that accompanies him wherever he goes.

Lee Yun Keol, who served in a North Korean guard unit before defecting to South Korea in 2005, said the country’s leader always travels with a person to keep his bodily functions away from prying eyes.

“Rather than using a public restroom, the leader of North Korea has a personal toilet that follows him around when he travels,” Lee told the Washington Post. “The leader’s excretions contain information about his health status so they can’t be left behind.”

​Kim was so paranoid over fears that his plane would be shot down that on his trip to Singapore, he used an elaborate ruse involving three planes taking off an hour apart from each other to keep potential spies from seeing which aircraft he was on, Chosun reported.

And instead of traveling the usual Pyongyang-to-Shanghai-to-Singapore route that takes a little more than six hours but that includes sea routes that could leave him vulnerable, he opted to fly through Beijing.

That route extended the trip to 10 hours.

“Tension was very high in North Korea, hence the secrecy,” Chosun reported, quoting a source.

The leader of the Hermit Kingdom and his delegation are staying at the ultra-posh St. Regis Hotel in an upscale shopping district in Singapore.

Reports said he’s staying in the Presidential Suite on the hotel’s top floor that contains hand-painted silk panels and a baby grand piano.

The suite goes for up to $9,000 a night.

Please say a prayer for President Trump — that tomorrow’s meeting with Kim will be productive and fruitful.

See also:

P.S. I just remembered my post of May 15, 2018, “Hillary Clinton directed U.S. diplomats to spy on and gather DNA of foreign officials”. Perhaps there is a good reason for Kim bringing his own toilet after all.

~Eowyn

Tuesday Funny: Watch Bernie run!

Last weekend, independent journalist Alex Jones happened on millionaire-socialist (an oxymoron!) Vermont senator Bernie Sanders in Los Angeles International Airport.

Jones wanted to speak to Sanders, but Sanders would have none of that.

I had these GIFs made from InfoWars’ long (and repetitive) video of the encounter.

Just look at Sanders’ face! Reminds me of Proverbs 28:1:

The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but the righteous are bold as a lion.

H/t FOTM‘s Stovepipe

See also:

~Eowyn

You might be a high-tech Redneck…

hitech redneck

 

  • If your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”
  • If your e-mail address ends in “.over.yonder.com.”
  • If the sticker on your computer says, “My other computer is a laptop.”
  • If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
  • If your wife said either she or the computer “had to go,” and you still don’t miss her.
  • If you’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster for your beer.
  • If you ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”
  • If you start all your e-mails with the words: “Howdy y’all!”
  • You’ve ever brought your laptop to a Tractor Pull.
  • When your computer toolkit contains a pitch fork.
  • When your MS-DOS boot menu contains an entry called, “Cow Tipping Configuration.”
  • If you’ve ever been to “hee-haw.com
  • When, in a pinch, you use your laptop battery to jump-start the Combine.
  • If you’ve ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone with modem and fax option.
  • If you know that NORTON UTILITY isn’t a power company.

DCG