What’s an Ignoranus?

The dictionary defines neologism as a noun referring to:

  1. A new word, expression, or usage.
  2. The creation or use of new words or senses.

The following are winners of The Washington Post‘s annual neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. We don’t know the year, but the lists were uploaded onto scripd.com on Oct. 14, 2007. Some of these are very clever:

  1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.): impotent.
  6. Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
  7. Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (n): olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. .
  13. Pokemon (n): a Rastafarian proctologist.
  14. Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  15. Frisbeetarianism (n.): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  16. Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post‘s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:

  1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
  4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
  8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
  9. Karmageddon (n): it’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
  10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
  12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  13. Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

I definitely know quite a few ignoranuses! 😀

H/t Ken Laycock



5 responses to “What’s an Ignoranus?

  1. Call me crass, but…


  2. Oh Dr Eoywn, SO bless your heart!!! My husband and I have (are still having) the nasty flu, the blues, a serious case of depression for more reasons than we can find dustkats on the un-vacuumed floor and we laughed until we CRIED on this one!!! My sides hurt so bad from… shall we delicately say, “gastric upset”? … and yet I still laughed that hard! (We both did!) THANK YOU!!! You are such a blessing! I want to share this with a FB poster/page, (she’s at her friends’ limit) who is hilarious in her own right and doesn’t allow for profane speech, either, because I’m going to point out #5 “Sarchasm” to her. (Look up “Sara Casm” on FB – she’s GOOD! I’d suggest quotes and all if FB has a brain, which it doesn’t.)

    And thank you about the warning on the FDIC thing too, that would have scared the be-jeeberes outta us and in our moods? We’re ripe for any ill-defined fright, much less one that sounds so awfully true. God bless you, M’Lady.


    • I’m so glad this brought some much-needed hilarity to you and your husband in these dark times. Your kind comment lifts my spirits more than you’ll ever know.

      It was reader Ken who had emailed the list of neologisms to FOTM. 🙂

      God bless you, Anna.


      • Back atcha dear. This is Christine, but Facebook/Wordpress doesn’t seem to want to pick up my current FB icon and the one they seem to have made permanent is now obsolete, (and depressingly untrue – “End of an Error”? Not hardly.) So I’m using my WordPress account to post these. The name “annathule” – all over the ‘net – is always me. (Qenya script – anna = “gift”, thule = “spirit. Thus, “gifted spirit”. Been that way since I was a teenager. Doesn’t hurt that my grandmother’s name was “Anna Christina” and I am “Christine Anne”.)


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