Tag Archives: Shopping

Monday Morning Laugh.

 

A Mother and Son were flying Qantas,

 

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The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “”If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
The boy said, “Yes, she did”.”
“Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her explain that to you.”

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~Steve~                                        H/T   hujonwi

 

Nostalgia, Or I’m old. Good Memories Most Of Us Will Share.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

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DO YOU KNOW HOW TO USE THIS ?

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WHAT’S THE CONNECTION BETWEEN THESE TWO OBJECTS?

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DID YOU EVER RIDE ONE OF THESE???

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DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THESE?

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DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

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HAVE YOU EVER SHOPPED AT THIS STORE?

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DO YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY WITH THESE?

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DO YOU KNOW THEIR NAMES?

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HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GLASS OF THIS?

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DID YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAVE ONE OF THESE?

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DID YOU, OR ANYONE YOU KNOW, EVER TAKE THIS CLASS IN SCHOOL?

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DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S HANGING FROM THE CHAIN OR RUNNING UP THE POLE?

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HAVE YOU EVER SEEN OR USED ONE OF THESE?

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DO YOU KNOW WHAT THESE ARE?

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HAVE YOU EVER USED THIS?

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HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED THIS?

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WAS THERE EVER A TIME IN YOUR LIFE THAT THIS WAS THE ONLY OPTION TO DRY YOUR CLOTHES?

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WHAT’S THE CONNECTION BETWEEN THESE  TWO OBJECTS?

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IS THIS A FAMILIAR SCENE?

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DOES THIS BRING BACK GOOD MEMORIES?

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DID HE EVER COME TO YOUR HOUSE?

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DID YOU EVER HAVE TO SAY “HELLO” BEFORE YOU KNEW WHO WAS CALLING?

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DID YOU EVER LAUGH OUT LOUD WATCHING THIS?

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Did You Know…

Those who were born in the 50’s 60’s ,70’s and early 80’s are the last generation who played in the street. During our childhood we “walked” over a mile a day when we played & played “hide & seek” outside at night with no worries or fear of anything bad happening to us.
We are the first generation who played video games and the last to record songs off the radio onto a cassette tape. We learned how to program a VCR before anyone else, we were the first to play from Atari to Nintendo…We are the generation of Tom & Jerry, Looney Toons, & Captain Kangaroo. We traveled in cars without seat belts or air baairbagsd without cell phones and caller ID. We did not have fax machines, flat screens, surround sound, Ipods, Facebook, Twitter, computers or the internet, and through it all we had a great time.

~Steve~                                                        H/T    hujonwi      

Sunday Funnies.

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Italian Auction – only 44 seconds!


You don’t have to understand Italian to follow the auctioneer:   A Chinese
Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million Euros.

Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the
bid by 100,000 Euros. (The exchange rate at auction time was 1 Euro =
$1.43.) Within seconds, the bid stalls at one million Euros, and the gasp
from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room. The
successful bidder is the last one who bid  one million ,  and the auctioneer
counts down the bid, “Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman
sitting in front of me for one million Euros.” Now, you are going to have to
see the video for yourself. The auctioneer is exuberant. The pace is fast.
This is how an auction should be run. Please note the excitement on the
auctioneer’s face after the  final bid.

~Steve~                                    H/T   hujonwi

Time To Review Our “Rules For Gunfighting”

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Rules for Going to a Gun fight

In civilian circles a firefight is known as a gunfight, so quite naturally the very first and most important rule when going to a gunfight are:

1. Have a gun.
      1.1 Preferably, have at least two guns.

All additional rules are supplemental to that first rule.

2. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
    2.1 Preferably, they will all have at least two guns.

3. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. 
3.1 Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3.2 There’s no additional paperwork for shooting someone more than once.
     3.3 Two in the chest, one in the head is not a bad plan

4. Only hits count. 
      4.1 The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

5. If your shooting stance is good, you’re probably not moving fast enough or using cover correctly.

6. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance or tactics.
   6.1 They will remember who lived.

7. Proximity negates skill. Distance is your friend.
7.1 Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be doing something else. 
      8.1 Communicating, reloading or running are the preferred things.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on the “pucker factor” than on the inherent accuracy of the gun. 
  9.1 Use a gun that works every time. 
      9.2 All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket.

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun.
      10.1 If they do, they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Always cheat, always win. 

Repeat

11. Always cheat, always win. 
  11.1 The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. Have a plan.
 12.1 Have a back-up plan, because the first one won’t work.
 12.2 If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn’t plan your mission properly.

13. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

14. Flank your adversary when possible.
14.1 Protect your own flank.

15. Don’t drop your guard.

16. Always perform a tactical reload and then threat scan 360 degrees.

17. Watch their hands. Hands kill.
  17.1 In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them.

18. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.

19. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

20. Be polite. Be professional.
      20.1 Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.

22. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a “4″.

23. Nothing handheld is a reliable stopper, even if it does start with a “4″.

~Steve~

Taking Down The Bird Feeder. Leave It To Maxine.

Just have to luv Maxine.

Just have to luv Maxine.

Taking down the bird feeder.

This is the best analogy yet!

Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution For the mess that America is now in economically.


I bought a bird feeder. I hung It on my back porch and filled It with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it, lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table…. Everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ….. Quiet, serene…. And no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let’s see. Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child’s second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak English.

Corn flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to ‘press one ‘ to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ‘Old Glory’ are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it’s time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not, just continue cleaning up the poop.

~ Steve~                               H/T  My Old Pal Jean

We Need A Laugh Or Two. Hope This Does It.

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Baby Mole

A daddy mommy and baby mole are in their hole relaxing one morning when daddy mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, “I smell pancakes”.

Mommy mole sticks her head out the tiny hole and says, “I smell pancakes too…pancakes with maple syrup!! Baby mole come smell the pancakes with maple syrup”.

Baby mole sticks his head upwards to get to the hole and exclaims “I cant smell anything but moleasses?!”

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Sex vs Secs

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “,Daddy, what is sex?”,

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “,Why did you ask this question?”,

The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”    ( Ouch )

~Steve~                                       H/T   http://dailyjokes.co

 

Lets Go For A Twofer Chuckle.

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School Visit

After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?”

Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class.

“Where were we?” says the president. “Oh, yes… do you kids have any questions?”

Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?”

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Trainee Blondes Detectives

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds”… think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does
in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?

“That’s easy,” the blonde replied.
“He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

~Steve~                                H/T     http://dailyjokes.co

A Twofer On a Wednesday.

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( I Couldn’t stop myself )  :D

Ammunition Is Getting Scarce
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
She looked at the ammo in the back of my SUV and said in a very sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, big boy”. “Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”
I thought a few seconds and asked, “what kinda ammo ya got?”

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A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
“Anybody home?” she asked.
“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.
“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.
“Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,” said the kid.
“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the social worker.
“Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.
“But,” protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) “are you never together as a family?”
“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the door. “This is the outhouse!”
Government workers are so very smart. Aren’t you overjoyed that they’ll soon be handling all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?

~ Steve~                                      H/T    Wild Bill Alaska

Magic Tables Optical Illusion.

OK, this one makes my head hurt.

Which table is bigger. Simple right?   :D

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By  on December 22, 2012,

Here’s an illusion we already had an opportunity to experience first hand in one of ourearlier posts. This is the best example I’ve seen up to date. Although it may seem intuitively impossible at first, when we take the shape of the table surface on the left and apply it to the table on the right, it matches exactly!

If you don’t believe it, measure the tables with a ruler. Same goes for the books on the tables (they’re both the same size). Amazing isn’t it? Check out the animated proof I created for you below:

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Although the brain is aware that these are flat pictures, it constructs a perception of the tables in which depth is taken into account. In this process, the brain unconsciously interprets that the actual depth of the table surface projected onto our retinas should appear shorter than they actually are, and compensates to make them appear longer.

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Even after we discover that the two table surfaces are same in size, we still can’t change the interpretation that the brain has constructed! Check the animated proof below, and try to pinpoint at which frame does your brain start to perceive the table surfaces as identical.

~Steve~                  H/T  http://www.moillusions.com

Life From The Seat Of A Tractor

 

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An old farmer’s Words of Wisdom we could all live by.

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
*Words that soak into your ears are whispered¦….not yelled.*

*Meanness don’t just happen overnight. *

*Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.*
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

*It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.*
You cannot unsay a cruel word. Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about, ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

*Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t

bothering you none.*

Timin’ has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

Live simply, love generously, care deeply,speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.

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~Steve~                                               H/T FOTM  Reader Ken L