Tag Archives: Judaism

Borscht Belt Funnies.

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days – Shecky
Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and
others? You may have only heard of them, but don’t we all miss their
kind of humor? Not a single swear word in their comic routines:

 Ironic. This was not racist in the Catskills or on TV.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you
comfortable? ” The man says, “I make a good living.”

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.

* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds
out, she’ll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making
love? “Honey, I’m home.”

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls
it the Dead Sea .

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate.

* She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back.” Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”

* Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor: “See!
What did I tell you?”

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc,
how do I stand? ” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”

* Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears. ” Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought
here for drinking. ” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is
because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In
Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates
from law school.

Q : Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A : Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q : Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A : It’s called, “Debbie Does Dishes.”

Q : Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A : They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q : What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?
A : Facing Bloomingdale’s.

A man called his mother in Florida . “Mom, how are you?” Not too good,”
said the mother. “I’ve been very weak. ” The son said, “Why are you so
weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.” The son said,
“That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days? ” The mother
answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you
should call.”

A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two
choices for dinner – Take it or leave it.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part
in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the
part of the Jewish husband. ” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and
tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”

Q : Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A : Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q : How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A : (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a
nuisance to anybody.”

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won,
let’s eat.

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his
birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says,
“What’s the matter already? Didn’t you like the blue one?”

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the
street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force
yourself,” she replied.

Q : What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A : Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q : Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A : Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off

 ~ Steve ~                                   H/T    Miss May

PS An extra H/T to reader  Matt who has pointed out that these jokes probably came from

http://www.haruth.com/jhumor/

I say probably because there are about 7 million Jewish jokes.   :lol

I’m sure they are there.

Black Bra size 38.

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 bras

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store’s remaining stock of

50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, “…please tell me – What do you do with all these black bras?”

The Chinese guy answers: “I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each.”

…and this is why the Chinese own us!
Business is Business!

~Steve~             H/T   Miss May  

 

The saint whom Christ struck blind

Sometimes God uses a drastic method to get our attention. That’s what happened to an awful man named Saul.

Born c. AD 5 in the Mediterranean city of Tarsus (in today’s south-central Turkey), Saul was a Hebrew of the tribe of Benjamin, whose father and grandfather were Pharisees. The Pharisees claimed prophetic or Mosaic authority for their interpretation of Jewish laws. Though a Jew, Saul was by privilege a Roman citizen.

An approximate contemporary of the twelve Apostles, Saul neither followed nor even saw Jesus preach. Instead, being a zealot for Jewish law and traditions, he saw Jesus’ disciples as enemy and dedicated himself to the persecution of the early Christians, most notably the killing by stoning of St. Stephen.

When Saul was in his late 20s, as he was approaching Damascus from Jerusalem on a mission to arrest all Christian Jews in Damascus, he and his company were struck by a great light and fell to the ground. Saul alone heard a voice: “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?” Saul asked the voice to identify  himself. The voice answered, “Jesus of Nazareth, whom you persecute.” Trembling, Saul cried out, “Lord, what will you have me to do?” The resurrected Christ told Saul that in Damascus, he would learn what would be expected of him.

As Saul got off the ground, he realized he had become blind. He was led to Damascus, where he remained blind for three days, without eating or drinking.

Like all genuine encounters with God — including our own, should we be so graced — Saul’s dramatic encounter with the risen Christ changed him forever. Now renamed Paul (which means Little), not only did he stop persecuting Christians, he became a devoted follower of Christ, perhaps the most influential early Christian missionary. The first Christology — doctrines and theories of the meaning of the belief in Christ — was developed by Paul.

Imagine the radical changes in thought and belief that Saul’s conversion required. He had to change not only his Jewish conception of who the messiah was, particularly the absurdity of accepting a crucified messiah, but also his conviction in the ethnic superiority of the Jewish people.

More importantly, more than any of Christ’s disciples, it was Paul who fully understood that, by His incarnation, death and resurrection, Jesus replaced the convenant of the Old Testament with a new convenant. This was made clear by Christ Himself in the Last Supper: “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me” (1 Cor 11.25; cf. Mt 26.27-29; Mk 14.24, Lk 22.20; Heb 8.6, 9.15). Henceforth, God’s chosen are all who “take up their cross” and follow Jesus the Christ. In other words, what once was a tribal religion — Judaism — is now superceded by the universal faith of Christianity.

Paul was indefatigable in bringing the Word of Christ to both Jews and Gentiles. Through his missionary activity and writings he eventually transformed religious belief and philosophy around the Mediterranean Basin. His leadership, influence and legacy led to the formation of communities dominated by Gentile groups who worshiped the God of Israel, adhered to the Mosaic moral code of the Ten Commandments, but relaxed or abandoned Judaism’s ritual and dietary teachings since these laws and rituals had either been fulfilled in the life of Christ or were symbolic precursors of Christ.

That is why St. Paul is called the “Apostle to the Gentiles.” Without the work of Paul, formerly the sinful Saul of Tarsus, you and I might not be Christians.

Paul’s missionary travels — preaching and establishing Christian nodes and communities — can be grouped into three. As seen in the map below, he traversed the Mediterranean region, in a time when travel was arduous, laborious and dangerous.

~Click map to enlarge~

The 14 letters (Epistles) attributed to Paul in the New Testament were written during 10 years of his missionary journeys. It is possible that Paul also traveled to other countries like Spain and Britain. Among the writings of early Christians, Clement of Rome said that Paul was “Herald (of the Gospel of Christ) in the West” and that “he had gone to the extremity of the west.”

Paul was beaten, arrested and imprisoned on more than one occasion. Neither the Bible nor other sources say how or when Paul died, but Ignatius, probably around 110, writes that he was martyred. According to Christian tradition, St. Paul was beheaded in Rome during the reign of Nero, on June 29, AD 67 — the same day as St. Peter was crucified upside down.

Shortly before he was martyred, St. Paul had written to St. Timothy these famous words:

“I am even now ready to be sacrificed, and the time of my dissolution is at hand. I have fought a good fight; I have finished my course; I have kept the faith. As for the rest, there is laid up for me a crown of justice which the Lord, the just judge, will render to me in that day: and not only to me, but to them also that love His coming.”

For all these reasons — the sinful pre-conversion Saul, the Apostle to the Gentiles, teaching us about Jesus’ New Covenant — I love St. Paul with all my heart. I hope that, should our time darken to that point when Christians are persecuted as in the days of the early Church, I too will “finish my course,” “keep my faith,” and stand “ready to be sacrificed.”

I now conclude this post with my favorite passage from St. Paul (letter to the Ephesians 6:10-16):

“Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power. Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground. So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all the flaming arrows of the evil one.”

Sources used:

  • One Hundred Saints (Little, Brown and Co., 1993).
  • Rosemary Ellen Gulley, The Encyclopedia of Saints (NY: Visionary Living, 2001).
  • St. Paul,” Catholic Online.
  • Paul the Apostle,” Wikipedia.

For the raison d’être of FOTM’s new series on “Angels and Saints,” please see my explanatory post, “Calling on the Army of Angels and Saints.”

~Eowyn

From the Highway Patrol.

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something—body language, or the way she said it—made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse.

I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a Freaking thing.”
~Steve~             H/T  Joseph