Tag Archives: clothing

And Now We Have Zipper-Gate Well Sorta

Zipper

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.


As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn’t! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him “How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!”
At this the Texan drawled “Well ma’am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.” 

~Steve~                                  H/T   dailyjokes.co

For The Last Time The Dog Is Not For Sale.

PLEASE BE ADVISED, IM SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING

QUESTIONS ABOUT MY DOG!

YES, HE MAULED SIX PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS,

FOUR PEOPLE WEARING PELOSI T-SHIRTS,

TWO OTHER DEMOCRATS,

NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR CRACK ,

THREE FLAG BURNERS,

AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.

FOR THE LAST TIME… THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

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NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT -

HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE “BAD TASTE” OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!

~Steve~                              H/T Miss May

Black Bra size 38.

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 bras

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store’s remaining stock of

50, and this time for $75.00 each.

The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, “…please tell me – What do you do with all these black bras?”

The Chinese guy answers: “I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each.”

…and this is why the Chinese own us!
Business is Business!

~Steve~             H/T   Miss May  

 

The Coat Hanger

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn’t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”

The woman looked around and saw an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, I don’t know how to use this.” She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.

Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, “Is this what you sent to help me God?” But she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said,

Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out less than a day.

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”
~Steve~                                                H/T Joseph

How to install a Southern Home Security System.

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men’s work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a  copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads  ……

Ouch..

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke,  Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.

Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls.

They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

~Steve~             H/T    Miss May

Just a guess, but do you think these people may regret their choice of outfit one day?

These should be fun to pull out the Album someday and explain to the kids you were smoking something illegal..  ~Steve~      H/T   Tom in NC

Hmm, life size bride cake...

She should have married the Wookie

I guess that's a step up when you marry your Pimp

And here I thought tye dye was out this year

They registered at the blood bank

In case he forgets..Wifey

Hope And Change And Stinky

There’s an old sea story about a ship’s Captain who inspected
his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors
would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”

He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with
Schultz.”

 

  THE MORAL OF THE STORY

Someone may come along and promise “Change“,

but don’t count on things smelling any better.

~Steve~                                 H/T   igor

The Cowboy Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why..
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, ‘Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.’ She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet..

He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.’

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, ‘Why didn’t you say so?’ like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, ‘They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear ‘em.’

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your mittens?’
He said, ‘I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.’

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

~Steve~         H/T Betty From Q.V.. :D

You May Be A…

YOU MAY BE A LIBERAL IF…

• You wear Birkenstocks with a tuxedo.
• You have a “Save the Planet” bumper sticker on your Hummer.
• You are a female who doesn’t shave her armpits or a male who does.
• You actually know the difference between Arugula and Radicchio.
• You want to give California back to Mexico.
• You named your first child Diversity.
• Your educational goal is to stay in college until you reach retirement age.
• After making love, you ask your date to got Dutch on the condom.
• Your hair still reaches your shoulders but now it starts below your ears.
• You have a picture of Nancy Pelosi hanging on your headboard.
• You bought new leather boots for the animal rights march.
• You go to a planetarium to pick out names for your kids.
• You’ve ever tried to get your insurance company to pay for a witch doctor.
• You know more politically-correct words for “husband” and “wife”
than you know couples who are stil married.
• You know the second verse to “Kumbaya”.
• You’ve ever been to a “clothing-optional” fashion show.
• Your last name has more hyphens than consonants.

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF…

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

~Steve~