Category Archives: Humor

Thursday Funnies: The Preacher, the Carpenter, and the Mother-In-Law

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The Preacher

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard.

He called the police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him because the mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with.

But the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, “Why did you call me anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?”

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response.

He was led to say, “Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!”

The Carpenter

An apprentice carpenter is building a house, so he asks his cousin for some help.

The carpenter is watching his cousin put up siding and notices that he keeps throwing nails away:  the cousin would pound two nails then throw away a few, pound a couple more, then throw away a few more.

The carpenter says “Hey, cousin, why are ya throwin’ my nails away?”

Cousin: “Cause they’re pointing the wrong way.”

Carpenter: “No cousin, those are for the other side of the house.”

The Mother-In-Law

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death.

The leader of the discussion said, “We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.” Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.

Then the leader said to the group, “What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?”

One gentleman said, “I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.” “Very good,” said the group leader, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.” “That’s wonderful!” the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, “I would go to my mother-in-law’s house for the four weeks.”

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”

Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, “Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!”

H/t FOTM’s pnordman

~Eowyn

A Shrink And A Proctologist Walk Into A Bar….

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Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts – no way. Freaks and Cheeks – still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it. Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Everybody loved it.
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~Steve~                                H/T   Hujonwi

Enter this Caption Contest before the FEC shuts it down!

This is the 85th world-famous FOTM Caption Contest!

Here’s the pic:

gun mailbox

You know the drill:

  • Enter the contest by submitting your caption as a comment on FOTM (scroll down), not via email or on Facebook.
  • The winner of the Caption Contest will get a gorgeous Award Certificate of Excellence and a year’s free subscription to FOTM! :D
  • FOTM writers will vote for the winner.
  • Any captions proffered by FOTM writers, no matter how brilliant (ha ha), will not be considered. :(

To get the contest going, here’s my caption:

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays the USPS from delivering an audit notice from the IRS . . . .

This contest will be closed in a week, at the end of next Tuesday, Nov. 4, 2014.

For the winner of our last Caption Contest, click here.

Seen any good pics that you think would be great for our Caption Contest? Email them to us! :D

fellowshipminds@gmail.com

~Eowyn

Need I Say More?

The Headline says it all.

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~Steve~                                        H/T   Hujonwi

Sunday smiles!

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DCG

Message to a problem neighbor

Mooning shrub

Do you think he got the message? LOL

H/t FOTM’s CSM

~Eowyn

Saturday Funnies! Out of the mouth of babes

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.”

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.” Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

*****

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. “No, no, no!,” she screamed. “Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that’s not polite behavior.” With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going to Iraq .” “Why?,” he asked. “Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?”

*****

The late Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?” Blank stares. An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”

*****

and here’s one that’s *not* from the mouth of babes . . . .

At the graveside funeral of the old man’s wife, there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”

H/t FOTM’s pnordman! dancingbanana dancingbanana dancingbanana

~Eowyn