Category Archives: Humor

Monday Funnies: From the mouths of babes

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that “a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible!” The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

2. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy father and thy mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

3. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘there’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘that’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”

4. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. Teacher: “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty, ma’am.”

5. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

H/t FOTM’s Mike

Actually, I find those kids kinda frightening!

creepy kids

~Éowyn

This is why Bruce Jenner doesn’t want to be a man

Kris Jenner at the 2015 Met Gala

Scary looking!

Purranormal Cativity!

Purranormal Cativity! … Ever wondered what your cats get up to under the cover of darkness and why you hear those strange noises at 3am?

Here’s a glimpse in to the night time activities of Cole & Marmalade! … Ever wondered what your cats get up to under the cover of darkness and why you hear those strange noises at 3am?

Here’s a glimpse in to the night time activities of Cole & Marmalade!

Read more at http://iheartcats.com/what-this-man-found-after-filming-his-cats-during-the-night-was-surprising/


Meow

Wednesday Puzzle: How did they get there?

As you look carefully at the situations depicted in each of the following photos, ask yourself:

“How could they possibly have gotten where they are?”

sharks swimming in malldog up on window ledgecar dangling from wiresram dangling from wire

Obama at empty desk

H/t FOTM’s maziel

~Éowyn

Michigan lawyer wants pig to run for mayor after ballot deadline mix-up

Giggles the Pig

Fox News: A Michigan lawyer wants his pig to enter into the Flint mayoral race after a mix-up threatened to keep candidates’ names off the primary election ballot.

Michael Ewing started the “Giggles the Pig for Flint Mayor” effort after learning that the August primary could be skipped unless a judge intervenes and all candidates would have to file as write-ins for the general election in November, The Flint Journal reported.

Giggles the Pig2The pig’s candidacy seeks to draw more attention to the mayoral race, better educate voters about their choices and encourage residents to demand more of elected officials, Ewing said. He plans to take Giggles to meet the residents of Flint.

“I don’t want to turn it into a laughingstock,” Ewing said. “I don’t know how else to get people to pay attention.

State election officials have said that Flint’s clerk accidentally told candidates that nominating petitions were due by April 28, but candidates later were told they missed the actual deadline by a week. State law does not permit a clerk to extend a deadline.

Not everyone has taken Giggles’ candidacy lightly. Mayoral candidates Karen Weaver and Wantwaz Davis both took issue with a pig running for mayor. “I didn’t see any pig walking around getting signatures,” Weaver said. Weaver also called the problem a “mockery of the democratic process.” “Putting a pig in a race is an offense to the character and moral value we’re trying to exemplify in the city,” Davis said.

Last month, Gov. Rick Snyder declared an end to a financial emergency in Flint. The city has been run by four emergency managers since 2011 and control is being returned to local officials, although a five-member transition board will have a significant role.

“If we elect someone who is not up to the challenge, we’ll be right back to the state of Michigan emergency manager again,” Ewing said.

The city is worried about character and moral values? Maybe they should have been concerned with who they voted for, especially after their first financial emergency. Maybe a pig really could do better than the officials they elect. And at least this pig isn’t running for Flint mayor!

'The Wide One'

DCG

We have 4 winners!

. . . for FOTM’s 98th Caption Contest!

Good grief! We had so MANY really really clever captions! We had so many brilliant captions that can be the winner. Truly. Really.

FOTM writers dutifully voted for what we each considered to be the #1 and #2 captions. Each #1 vote is worth 3 points; every #2 vote is worth 2 points.

Not surprisingly, the votes were all spread out, with 5 being the maximum number of points achieved.

We don’t have a clear winner. Instead, it’s a tie: Four readers are the winners of the 98th FOTM Caption Contest, each with one #1 vote and one #2 vote, totaling 5 points each.

The four winners are japoa, Jim, LAH, and Patty Buchheit.

 Snoopy dance

Here are their respective winning captions:

donkeys on truck

Kevin J. Lankford, wendybar, and threepercent1775 are all in 2nd place, each with one #1 vote and 3 points. Here are their respective captions:

We SAID…Take us to our leader…..This ain’t the white house.

Al Sharpton and his band of asses are here to help Baltimore!!!

7 people more qualified to be president than Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Another japoa caption, Lola, and TheSmaug are all in 3rd place, each with one #2 vote and 2 points. Here are their respective captions:

I always knew Barry was an ass man.

Hillary Clinton told her Useful Idiots to move their asses to her next public appearance.

Barrack Obama’s posse

Well done, everyone!

Congratulations, japoa, Jim, LAH, and Patty Buchheit!

Here are your fancy-schmancy Award Certificates of Great Excellence, all ready for framing! LOL

StrawberrydancingbananaCarrotChilliMuffinPurpleBanana PineappledancingbananaCarrotChilliMuffinPineappleStrawberry

award certificate1award certificate1award certificate1award certificate1

For all the other caption submissions, click here.

Be here tomorrow for our first ever, super exciting Writing Contest! (The caption contest is taking a brief vacation.)

~Éowyn

Monday Funny: I ♥ you so much I bite you!

These round-faced ginger Persians, Seamus and Angus, are brothers.

Watch how one lovingly grooms and licks his bro, interspersed with uncontrolled head biting. LOL

~Éowyn