Category Archives: Humor

30 (unintentionally funny) sentences found in patients’ hospital charts

hospital funny

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

3. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of successful suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.

24. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation with Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Source: tickld

H/t FOTM’s CSM

~Eowyn

How to hunt ISIS jihadists with a goat

An instructional video by the folks over at Tactical Sh*t on how to lure and kill ISIS or Islamic State jihadists with an Improvised Explosive Goat (IEG) that detonates upon penetration.

Hilarious!

H/t Clash Daily

~Eowyn

Buster the raccoon wants to stay in bed

Buster lives in New Orleans, Louisiana.

On Buster’s Facebook page, his human P. J. Hahn, Director of Coastal Zone Management at Plaquemines Parish Government, writes:

This past Saturday was freezing when we woke up and Karen and I went to check on Buster, to put him outside. Clowning around, I took my phone out and began videoing Buster’s struggle to wake up. Karen posted the video and today we began getting flooded with emails from companies wanting to sign a contract for use of the Buster video! It’s had over 52,000 views on Liveleak.com!!!!!

~Eowyn

Hillary Clinton nutcracker? It’s sexist, of course!

hillary2

Yahoo: Urban Outfitters is back in the spotlight again for their questionable product choices. This time it’s for the Hillary Clinton Nutcracker, an actual nutcracker in the shape of, you-guessed-it, Hillary Clinton. These days it seems as if Urban Outfitters’ marketing plan is largely based around generating press on derogatory items such as a “one of a kind sweatshirt featuring the Kent State University logo” with a suspicious blood-like spatter, and an array of T-shirts that perpetuate stereotypes against Native Americans, Mexicans, Jews, and Irish among others (at least the fact that no one is safe is slightly comforting?).

The Clinton Christmas stocking-stuffer is no exception to the retailer’s controversial rules. The gag gift has actually been around since at least 2007, along with its mate Corkscrew Bill Clinton, is part of the company’s online boutique that sells vintage, kitschy, one-of-a-kind items. The nutcraker, which has already sold out online and was available at $60, is absolutely sexist, sure, but it would be more insulting if it was any less boring. Calling powerful women nutcrackers reveals men’s fear of powerful women and this degrading school of thought is SO old-school! In the current cultural climate where “feminism” is the word buzzing on everyone’s lips and faux-misandry is the new irony, this nutcracker fails to become the mocking, demeaning thing that its creators probably intended it to be and instead is a sign of triumph.

Reactions on Twitter have been mixed with some accusing UO of getting a head-start on the kinds of things Clinton will surely face if she decides to run for president in 2016, and other conservatives relishing the fact that they are really “sticking it” to the former Secretary of State and her supporters.

tweets

“Stainless Steel Thighs!”? A girl’s best friend, who wouldn’t want them? “Cracks Toughest Nuts!”? Well, someone’s gotta do it! It’s time to throw everyone’s weapons of discrimination and mocking back in their faces. I bet Clinton will have one of these in her office (and all the Hillary Clinton fangirls will get or give one during the holidays this year). Better try harder next time!

Maybe they should make a doll of this:

hillary

DCG

Little Johnny Meets Barack The Bad.

Need I say More?

Need I say More?

Barack Obama was visiting a school in North Carolina, a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy.’ So the president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy.’

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field, and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” said Obama, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained Obama. “That’s what we would call great loss.”

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room.

“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Obama. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss… and you can bet your ass it wouldn’t be an accident either!

The teacher fainted…..

Obama-animated

~Steve~                                   Big H/T I_Man

Achmed “live” in Tel Aviv

silence_i_keel_you

Achmed the Dead Terrorist Goes to Israel | Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map

Thank you Jeff Dunham.

~TD

Acme Foundry loves the Wile E. Coyote/Road Runner graffiti

Nobody likes graffiti.

Well, nobody except the graffiti “artists.”

But the owner and employees of Acme Foundry Company in Minneapolis really like the graffiti that some anonymous person left on their business building.

Mike Durkin reports for KMSP MyFox9 that Nov. 3, 2014, employees of Acme Foundry Company in Minneapolis showed up to work Monday morning to find some very appropriate graffiti on their entrance. Someone had placed cardboard cut-outs of Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner, from the old Warner Brothers cartoons, on each side of the front door.

Acme Foundry graffiti

Business manager Monica Sweeney said Acme’s employees all found it to be very humorous. In fact, they have thought about adding a roadrunner and coyote to their building for years, but a mystery artist beat them to it.

“We see and appreciate the humor,” Acme said in an email to Fox 9. “It is the best graffiti that anyone has ever done to our building.”

Acme Foundry produces gray and ductile iron pieces.

The company hoped to identify the artist to offer their thanks and have them help with the layout of some iron castings of the cartoon characters. Happily, the artist came forward, but would like to remain anonymous. He has added an anvil to Acme’s building and would like other companies to know there is more to come.

For those who need a reminder, in the old Warner Brothers “Merrie Melodies” Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner cartoons, the unfortunate but ever-persistent coyote would buy seemingly-ingenious products from the fictional Acme Corporation to capture the road runner. But all of the coyote’s schemes and contraptions inevitably backfire.

I’ve forgotten how funny and delightful those cartoons are. Enjoy!

H/t Consumerist and FOTM’s CSM

~Eowyn