Christmas Carols and Holiday Songs tend to exclude, marginalize and insult. Henceforth these songs will be re-written with new titles to avoid any real, imagined or perceived offense.
The word Christmas is exclusive to Christians and must be removed. Since it cannot be replaced with the word “holiday” (Holy Day) we will replace it with the innocuous phrase, “day off.”
“We Wish You a Merry Christmas”
“We Wish You a Merry Non-Religious-Specific Day-Off in Winter.”
Noel is another word for Christmas.
“The First Noel”
“The First Non-Religious-Specific Day-Off in Winter”
Don’t you dare exclude the down and out victims of capitalism at this time of the year.
“I’ll be Home for Christmas”
“I’ll be Home or in a Homeless Shelter for the Non-Religious-Specific Day- Off in Winter”
And let’s not let any covert references to race cloud your celebration (if you do chose to celebrate).
“I’m Dreaming of a Race Immaterial Non-Religious- Specific Day-Off in Winter”
The physically impaired must not be excluded.
“I Sensed the Bells on the Non-Religious-Specific Day-Off in Winter”
If physical disabilities are referred to in other songs, than they must also be performed in sign language, and made available in Braille.
“Do You Hear What I Hear”
“Do You Sense What I Sense”
Angels are spiritual beings, not everybody believes in the spirit life.
“Angels We Have Heard on High”
“Guiding Influences We Have Sensed on High”
Since the mute cannot sing, we shall substitute the term communicate.
“Sense! The Herald Guiding Influences Communicate”
The word “holy” has religious connotations. We do not want to offend the secular.
“Silent Night, Devout Night”
“Oh Devout Night”
The secular might also lack faith.
“Oh Come all Ye of Extreme Loyalty to Non-Material Evidence”
A person shall not feel excluded based on where they live…
“Go Tell it on the Mountain”
“Go Tell it on the Preferred Geographic Location”
…or their climate.
“Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow”
“Let it Perform a Favorite Weather Pattern, Let it Perform a Favorite Weather Pattern, Let it Perform a Favorite Weather Pattern”
Christians are sneaky. They often subtly hijack common terms in an attempt to own the language. The word “manger” has been hijacked to refer exclusively to the nativity of Jesus Christ and it must be replaced.
“Away in a Manger”
“Away in a Trough that Holds Livestock Feed”
The traditional birthplace of Jesus Christ is in Bethlehem, Israel. Since Bethlehem is inside of the Zionist occupied and disputed West Bank we have to apply a tentative name to this song.
“O Little Town of Bethlehem”
“O Quaint Town of Palestinian Joint Rule”
That was a good segue into the use of physical descriptions. The word “little” should never be used. It is demeaning. Especially when used to describe a person. References to a person’s gender shall also be forbidden especially when they help to reinforce stereotypes.
“Little Drummer Boy”
“Vertically Challenged Drummer Child of Undetermined Gender”
Other gender specific songs need to be re-done.
“Frosty the Snowman”
“Frosty the Hermaphrodite Snow Creature”
“Oh Come Let us Adore Him”
“Oh Come Let us Adore Him or Her”
This also applies to stereotyped roles in parenthood and heterosexualism.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause”
“I Saw My Gynocentric Guardian Kissing a Non-Gender Specific Person who is Known to Wear a Red Suit”
We cannot stereotype overweight people as happy, nor make references to a person’s age. Even if they are saintly (another subtle religious term)
“Happy, Plus-sized, Chronologically-Gifted, Highly Virtuous
We kept the term Nicholas to preserve some tradition. We are not implying that Nicholas has to be a male name and males are the only ones who are capable of amassing enough fortune and possessing the generosity to be able to give presents to masses of people. Nor are we implying that females lack the physical strength and endurance to accomplish such a task. In order to balance this mistaken perception, we shall apply modern day affirmative action in order to level down the male ego and help balance the playing field.
“We Three Kings of Orient are”
“We Three Misogynist Autocrats of Eastern Asia are”
This especially applies to westerners…
“Good King Wenceslas”
“Evil White Male European Misogynist Autocrat Wenceslas”
…doubly, especially if they are Christian
“Evil Narrow-Minded Homophobic Racist Misogynist Men Get Drunk and Abusive”
We don’t take tradition lightly. We actually found one traditional song that we ill keep in its entirety. We feel this song accurately portrays the typical man.
Sample lyrics: “Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of rubbish imaginable mangled up in tangled up knots!”
Songs of Thanksgiving or, the Autumn Day Off, will also need to be deconstructed.
“Over the River and Through the Woods”
“Over the River and Through the Woods”
Subtitled: “Only after an environmental impact study on the effects of a horse-drawn sleigh upon the woods is conducted. And assuming the gentle vegetarian beast of a horse is not being forced to pull an overloaded sleigh and is doing so on a volunteer basis.”
We realize that this one may lose some of the warmth of its original meaning. This could be avoided if the grandmother (or grandparent) would just move back to the city and help stop urban sprawl.
And last but not least, we need to help swing the cultural pendulum away from the religious holiday and back toward the secular day off granted by the state. We can do this through songs that highlight the true Marxist origins of political correctness
“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”
“Rudolph the Red Knows that the State Seizure and Re-distribution of Private Wealth is Fairer than Private Charity and Ensures the Survival and Growing Power of the State”
Something Ain’t Right
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And last but not least, but you know what burns my butt? I flame a bout —– this high. Have I made my self clear