Company Memo: Christmas Party

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All  Fucking Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you ****** weirdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

H/t my friend Sol :D

~Eowyn

8 responses to “Company Memo: Christmas Party

  1. Dr. E.
    I loved this. Thanks I needed a good chuckle today and will be sending this to my boss. I think he’ll get a kick out of too.

    Sad part about the whole thing is this kind of sh$t really goes on. So sad.

    Note: How’s James doing? Any clue as to when he’ll come home?

    Gunny

    Like

  2. This is about what it’s all coming to.

    Like

  3. Hilarious! Thank you for the good laugh!

    Like

  4. ROFL!

    -Dave

    Like

  5. I am new here, but this site encourages me, because everyone else is weighted down with a “Woe is me” attitude. Contrary to some, the best revenge is to enjoy yourself while progressing in your endeavor, and I loved Poor Patty’s Plight in the “Gala Christmas Party”.

    However I submit a copy of a response to another blog that is very serious. In my mind this is the answer all conservatives are looking for, since if successful, it leaves the Administration with too few funds to do any of their schemes including Obamacare.

    Copy of response to:

    http://personalliberty.com/2012/11/22/a-long-train-of-abuses-and-usurpations/#comment-765268

    rightgunner says:
    November 22, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Who has the courage to say this, mean it, and stand up to the consequences?

    “Honor, justice, and humanity, forbid us tamely to surrender that freedom which we received from our gallant ancestors, and which our innocent posterity have a right to receive from us. We cannot endure the infamy and guilt of resigning succeeding generations to that wretchedness which inevitably awaits them if we basely entail hereditary bondage on them.”

    Our current state of indebtedness, if uncorrected, will subject our innocent posterity to hereditary bondage. Our creditor, the Chinese Communists, are over here right now “cherry-picking” our industries. Since they also need girls because of their great shortage of them, our girls and boys will become the victims of our wanton lust for living beyond our means. Everyone who refuses to stop the borrowing immediately is guilty of child abuse of the most terrible kind.

    Stop abuse of our children, DO NOT RAISE THE DEBT LIMIT. Begin to live within our means and begin to pay down the debt while allowing our still free people to heal our economy.

    Like

    • rightgunner,

      Welcome!

      I agree that humor and satire is the best revenge — and it may be the only revenge Conservatives will get in the next 4 years. This doesn’t mean Fellowship of the Minds doesn’t engage in the serious stuff too. Take a look at our thousands of archived posts, especially those linked on our “2012 Election,” “The Obama Chronicles,” and “Leftwing Pathology” pages. You’ll find those pages under our St. Michael masthead.

      Like

  6. I love this! :D

    Like

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