How America can win every war

Answer: Draft guys over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. 

Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep! I’m tired and hungry!” We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole who desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! I have an even better idea!

How about recruiting Women over 50 . . . in menopause!!!

You think MEN have attitudes?? 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They’ll have it secured the first night!

Now send this to all of your senior friends. It’s in big type so they can read it.

H/t FOTM’s Miss Maziel!

~Eowyn

6 responses to “How America can win every war

  1. When a “hot flash” hits, I’m ready to smackdown anything that moves. Let me at ‘em! ROFL

  2. Over Hill, Over Dell, those wobbly legs go marching on ♫ ♫ 1st Bn. 14 Inf. Regt. (irritated) Hoorah :)

  3. “the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.” Ha, isn’t that the truth!

    Menopausal women at the border? Perfect! A friend dragged me to the Menopause Musical once – scared the LIFE out of me! Don’t mess with them ladies :)

  4. ROFL!

    -Dave

  5. 1wanderingtruthseeker

    Reblogged this on just another day in paradise and commented:
    This is the Bomb!

  6. Give me a damned Uzzie, grenade launcher, a 50-cal machine gun, and an armored Bradley to haul it all around with! I’ve sowed my oats, now let me sow seeds of my discontent….bullets made out of bacon! Islam teaches that pork is unclean, and any terrorist buried w/ it will never get to heaven…so much for suicide bombers!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s