Funny Friday – July 27, 2012

OK you know the rules.  Feel free to add your own.

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replied, “That would be my wife.”

_____

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow , push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ………

“What . . . You coming empty handed?”

_____

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. “

“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.” Whatta you gonna do then?  Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’.

_____

At dawn the telephone rings,

“Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”.

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire,Senor.”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”

“Yes, Senor Rod.”

“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Senor Rod”.

She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft.”

SILENCE………..

LONG SILENCE………

VERY LONG SILENCE…

………”Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit.”

6 responses to “Funny Friday – July 27, 2012

  1. BritCapitalist

    An obviously gay guy swished onto a bus to face a derogatory sneer from the massive bus driver.
    “Faggot! growled the driver, “Where’s your pearls?”
    “Pearls with corduroy?” shrieked the gay, “Are you crazy!”

    What do fags call hemorrhoids?
    Speed bumps!

    What do you call a homosexual dinosaur?
    A Megasorarse!

    Which is better, being born black or gay?
    Black. Because you don’t have to tell your parents!

    What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
    Male Fraud!

    Did you ever hear of the two Irish Poofters?
    Their names are Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick!

    Did you ever hear about the two Scottish queers?
    Their names were Ben Doon and Phil McCrevis!

    Like

  2. Joseph sent me this in an email:

    I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. ‘This is the 21st century, old man,’ he said. ‘We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPod.’ I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it…

    Like

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