Ten Rules for Dating a Daughter

Courtesy of Neal Boortz:

“Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter”

Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

-Dave 

13 responses to “Ten Rules for Dating a Daughter

  1. Pure greatness! I read this in front of my 13 year old daughter, who is teetering on the brink of the dating fringe, she was not amused. As well she should not have been! Thanks!

    • good2begone,

      I have three neices, the oldest of which is about to turn 16.

      I am not even their father, but I’m still worried.

      LOL – I remember how I was at that age.

      -Dave

      • Anytime my sister brought a guy home to meet the family, he had to ” go through the gauntlet” of questioning by her 3 older brothers. All of which are 10 years older. If we thought he was shady it was very difficult for him to get a second date.

        I feel for you. I am actually the step dad and I don’t look forward to it at all!

  2. edward oleander

    Sharing this… rules 2, 6 and 10 are priceless…

  3. Hardnox,

    LOL – I would have hated being the guy that took Neal’s daughter on her first date.

    I bet he was a total nervous wreck. :-)

    -Dave

  4. I have two daughters, and I am very religious to the core. The only thing I have ever mentioned to the young men who have asked to date my daughter is this, I will run into a burning building without any hope of coming out alive to save my daughters, you should know that. Have a nice date. I have never had any problems. I have taken some of them shooting at gun ranges with my daughters and we all had a good time. Some boys have not been allowed to date my daughters, not because I said so, but because my daughters said so.

  5. I always introduced myself to her mother …as the one she had
    been warning her daughter about . Usually the girls got upset if I
    started admiring her dads guns or hobbies too much .

  6. Texas comes through for families…

    “Dad Won’t Face Charges in Alleged Attacker’s Death,” by Paul J. Weber and Ramit Plushnick-Masti, 19 Jun 2012
    http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/dad-face-charges-alleged-attackers-death-16605912

  7. I saw this exact thing in an email forward 13 years ago when I was 15!

    • Julia,

      Yeah, it has been in my personal collection for a very long time.

      I just like to ressurect it every so often for those who have never seen it.

      And because it is so funny.

      -Dave

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