The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. “You know you’re past your prime,” she said, “when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair.”
“Everything’s starting to click for me!” said my father-in-law at dinner. “My knees, my elbows, my neck …”
We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. “I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel,” he said. My middle-aged wife put him at ease. “Don’t worry,” she said. “They’ll only look once.”
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Two elderly ladies had been friends since their 30s. Now in their 80s, they still got together a couple of times a week to play cards. One day they were playing gin rummy and one of them said, “You know, we’ve been friends for many years and, please don’t get mad, but for the life of me, I can’t remember your name. Please tell me what it is.” Her friend glared at her. She continued to glare and stare at her for at least three minutes. Finally, she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her right breast. It turned out to be a trick knee.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Recently I went to the doctor for my annual physical. The nurse asked me how much I weighed. I told her 135 pounds. Then she weighed me and the scale said 160. She asked me how tall I was. I said, “5 feet, 5 inches.” She measured me and I was only 5 feet, 3 inches. So she took my blood pressure and told me it was high. “Of course it’s high,” I said. “When I came in here I was tall and slender. Now I’m short and fat!