Washington, DC – June 13, 2011
The Obama Administration is urging Congress and the Senate to
pass sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many
Americans: The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA). President Obama said he will sign it as soon as he squeezes out some free time from playing golf.
The AWNAA is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
“Roughly 50% of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer, a ready-made candidate for the AWNAA. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”
Another AWNAA candidate, Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) also threw his support for the bill: “As
a representative an exhibitionist with a big small penis, way too much time on my hands, but no abilities whatsoever, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”
In a Capitol Hill press conference, two other AWNAA candidates — House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) — pointed to the success of Congress, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74% of the members of Congress lack any job skills, making this institution one of the largest U.S. employers of Persons of Inability.
Other institutions and industries with good records of non-discrimination against the incompetent and inept include teachers’ unions (75%), Wisconsin public employee unions (95%), SEIU (99%), TSA (99.5%), U.S. Dept of Homeland Security (99.8%), ACORN (99.9%), and the Obama White House (100%).
At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (a whopping 83%).
Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million ‘middle man’ positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most inept employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions,and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”
“As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Ken Cox, who lost his position as a TSA screener at Kennedy International Airport due to his inability to remember Janet Napolitano’s instruction, “Strip Search All Blond, Blue-Eyed Babies!”
“This new law should be real good for people like me,” Cox added.
H/t beloved fellows May & Joseph.