Americans With No Abilities Act

Breaking News!

Washington, DC – June 13, 2011

The Obama Administration is urging Congress and the Senate to
pass sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many
Americans: The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA). President Obama said he will sign it as soon as he squeezes out some free time from playing golf.

The AWNAA is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

“Roughly 50% of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Senator Barbara Boxer, a ready-made candidate for the AWNAA. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

Another AWNAA candidate, Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) also threw his support for the bill: “As a representative an exhibitionist with a big small penis, way too much time on my hands, but no abilities whatsoever, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, two other AWNAA candidates — House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) — pointed to the success of Congress, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74% of the members of Congress lack any job skills, making this institution one of the largest U.S. employers of Persons of Inability.

Other institutions and industries with good records of non-discrimination against the incompetent and inept include teachers’ unions (75%), Wisconsin public employee unions (95%), SEIU (99%), TSA (99.5%), U.S. Dept of Homeland Security (99.8%), ACORN (99.9%), and the Obama White House (100%).

At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (a whopping 83%).

Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million ‘middle man’ positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee upward mobility for even the most inept employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions,and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?”

“As a Non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Ken Cox, who lost his position as a TSA screener at Kennedy International Airport due to his inability to remember Janet Napolitano’s instruction, “Strip Search All Blond, Blue-Eyed Babies!”

“This new law should be real good for people like me,” Cox added.

H/t beloved fellows May & Joseph.

~Eowyn

21 responses to “Americans With No Abilities Act

  1. lowtechgrannie

    And, all this time I’ve been calling them deviant sociopaths they’re merely Persons of Inability?

    I say, give em brooms and let them sweep the streets. Isn’t that the collectivist way to full employment? Wouldn’t you love to see the whole shebang in DC on their knees on the mall scrubbing the pavement ? I would call that a Kodak moment.

  2. We the unwilling…led by the inept to do what we are unable…
    this is a clarion call to mediocrity …
    First a Ministry of Truth and now a Department of Equality

    I think I’ll go work on my tan.

  3. We’re funnin’ but left/liberal supporters may not know the difference. ;)

  4. please tell me this is some sort of joke. whatever happened to the survival of the fittest? so now the people with ability will be bossed around by a bunch of clowns with no ability. and we have a no ability president. this is insane at best. why not send all
    those of inability and their supporters to their own little kingdom, the moon, prime real estate still available cheap.

  5. steve , i suppose it is only a matter of time until some meatheaded liberal comes along and thinks oh what a great idea an inability act to protect the uselessness of the masses.

  6. Steve:
    That legislation definitely had Barbara Boxer and Janet Napolitano aka (Big Sis, Cactus Queen, Mac) in mind. What happened to people with ability being recognized and rewarded?

  7. Nutz, I was hoping it was the real deal. It could have been their first major accomplishment.

  8. I just learned from Steve that recently laid-off politicos, Peter Principled to the max, are to be chaired by Congressman Anthony Weiner in a new Bureau, Peter Principled in Nothing Trust, under the acronym PPIN Trust. As they are department heads, each will be known as one of the PPIN Heads, answering only to their chief Weiner.

  9. i think anthony weiner should change his name to oscar meyer weiner and his campaign slogan could be what kinds of kids like hotdogs, fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks hot dogs (armour hotdogs) doggone wrong commercial. oh well still oscar meyer goes better with weirner than does anthony/

  10. Hello guys I’m back. Lone great!

  11. I had to go a long way round to get here but I was not going to give up. Everytime i touched this site they blanked me out.. Check out Ezekiel 38 1-8 and 39 -6 it doesn’t look good. Talk to you all soon God bless and it’s prayer that got me back here. There is a job to be done!

  12. The so called Arab Spring is only a ruse. Why are they rising up against legitimate governments and Obama warning the Syrian government? He is sowing dissension. They want a Caliphate established in the middle east with Iran at the helm. By helping them and helping the Libyan rebels the west is only fomenting its own doom. The enemies of Israel are the Ishmaelites and the Hagarenes, the old enemy going back to Genesis! Check out a sit by a guy called Sultan Kinish? Someone has said Obama has changed the Oval Office to look mid-eastern! Mein Kamph is the biggest selling book in the middle east and Turkey! They haven’t gone away you know! We must not let Hitler have a postumous victory. Dominus Vobiscum.

  13. Sultan Knish, that’s the guys name. I came across him as I was studying the Religion of Peace. He is an American and he does a good blog. “Let God arise and let His enemies scatter before His face”. it’s great to be back. Talk to you all tomorrow. Although it is tomorrow here now. God bless you all over there in the land of the Free.

  14. it was funnier when it was written in The Onion in 1998. You should really not criticize people for being inept and incompitent (even satirically) when you are obviously plagarizing another writer’s work

    • Since this has been around for so long there are many variations on the web. And most people are aware of this JOKE. No where did Eowyn take credit for creating this version.

      And you should get a dictionary if you want to criticize Eowyn.

      Better yet, get a sense of humor.

    • Hey, Amber!

      “satirically”? “plagarizing”?

      You really should not criticize a post when you obviously and sadly cannot spell. I now see why America desperately needs the Americans With No Abilities Act.

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